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Merry Christmas...Bachelor is back!

Looks like we're about ready for our next season of The Bach... Seems like every time I get ready to quit this damn show, something else reels me back in. Though I find Ben to be beyond irritating and a bit of a snooze I suppose I'm still curious to see just what ABC sees in him. I've had my fingers crossed the last several months that nothing short of a miracle would happen and a new bachelor would appear (Prince Harry would be my first pick ;) and at the very least, Ben would cut his hair. But no such luck. Ben is back and it appears has seriously sleezed it up. Previews show a lot of tears (shocker) and at least one skinny dipping session. But none of this really peaked my interest like the people.com article I just read. This little shit just dished on why his date with Jennifer Love Hewitt just didn't do it for him. Not that she is major hot shit or super famous (Ghost Whisperer for 'ril??) but I think you really need to check yo'self. You're a doucher making west coast wine with seriously overgrown hair and extremely questionable style (flashback to tiny white shorts, fedora and lime green tank top). She's just too "hollywood" for you? Woah dude. I'm watching just to see how effed up your ego has become. And of course I'll be blogging some major shit about you. And the best part of all.... this season includes wine!

The Bachelorette- RIP

Thank the Lord we all survived this miserable season. Finale was par for the course in my mind. I was a little nervous at the end they were going to throw us a curve ball with Ben, but low and behold, the bitch has some taste and went with the only one worth looking at- JP. I give them a few months before JP comes to his senses and realizes that Ashley is as insecure and clueless as he thought in Fiji.

So that was a lot of freaking footage in just 24 hours. Started with the Men Tell All which wasn't really much at all. First of all- another cut out dress- gross, I'm over it. Secondly, really would have liked to have seen Bentley represent himself. I mean what could anyone say- he was a total asshole? Correct. So no drama there. I was really thrown off by the fact that ABC felt so defensive of choosing Ashley as the Bachelorette. Was it necessary to bring out 3 previous Bachelors/Bachelorettes to defend "just how difficult it is" to be in that position? Honestly, I don't want to hear it. This show initially started with the concept that even though it's one guy and 25 girls, it's not all that unlike real life (aside from the elaborate dates). Everyone is always trading up and you don't have to be exclusive with someone until you determine that you do. So to act now like this role is so damn difficult is just annoying to me. I don't want to watch this bitch date 25 guys that are selected based upon her requests and ideals and feel sorry for her. You are doing what every other single person is doing to meet "the one" except you get everything paid for including your clothing, housing and a stipend. Poor you? Really? You had to tell someone goodbye at the end of the date? Um, that's life. You don't marry them all. Poor you, you got played. Hey anyone else out there date an asshole? Pretty much can guarantee we have all dated one and all been one to someone. That's life. I really don't feel sorry for her in any shape or form.

Onto the finale- Was it me or did they seriously lack in showcasing Fiji? I thought it didn't look that great. I mean the mud bath date? Really? I kept picturing that scene from the movie Stand by Me with the leaches. Gross. Also it looked like a sweltering humidity filled island to me. No thanks. (side note- I realize Fiji is flippin awesome. I'm merely pointing out this is what they chose for footage). Did anyone else crack up at her family and the use of sweat rags? Seriously ABC? Give the bitches a little shade. Maybe a fan. Shit- i was freakin' sweating just watching this shit. Another point of distraction would be Ben F's apparel. So you fell in love and decided that this would be a good time to really get in touch with your inner stylist? Umm he should really reconsider this if his style consists of neon with a hat that was made for a 5 year old boy. That was just hard to watch. I think he must have got his hands on an American Apparel catalogue and maybe a little shot of tequila for the courage to wear it.

A few other fascinating points- Ashley's sister. Wow Kat Von D's twin sister! What a frickin bitch- I'm with Ashley on this one. Get a grip. You don't have to marry him lady. Why care so much? Carrie and James did a little research on Chrystie (can't stand how she spells that) and it turns out she is a bit of a fame whore herself. She is on the show Extreme Couponers. Perhaps this was her ploy to get a little air time- suppose it worked. I found it ironic she referred to herself as the "rational" one as I'm staring at her Geisha girl tattoo. In what way was she referring to Ashley as being irrational? Hmm. Also found her brother hysterical. I think he was hungover in every shot. But if I were him I would be too. Shit he gets to go all the way to Fiji to discuss his older sister's love life. I'd be hitting the local bars as well.

My big complaint at the end was that Ashley allowed both men to get down on one knee and propose. Even if the producers suggested this or even insisted on letting it happen- you should have been better than that. Have a little fucking decency Ash. Again- she makes it impossible to feel any empathy for her. In addition- I would have much preferred her dress to be strapless.

And finally- After the Final Rose. Well I really f'ed this up. I thought it was recording and when I finally caught up on the DVR I realized I missed a full 40 minutes. I have a feeling that it wasn't really missing much though. So please fill me in- what happened with Constantine and Ben F? Did they say anything interesting or worthwhile?

One final thought- Chris Harrison you look much better with the darker hair. Good choice.

So who's watching Bachelor Pad? I'm sure I'll tune in since there isn't much else on. But I'm really not into these spares. Jake and Vienna? Kasey? Gia again? And Ames, really, why are you doing this show????


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The Bachelorette- Cryin Ryan and a Midriff

Well I thought we had seen it all this season in terms of poor styling, but then BAM there it was.... Ashley's belly button and 4 inches of exposed skin right there in the middle. It was certainly shocking to see this bitch rock a midriff but damn when she wore the second one, I nearly turned the shit off. I'm not saying she doesn't have awesome abs, but I am saying that I'm not quite ready for Kelly Kapowski. All this aside, her hair remains tragic.

The boys:

- Constantine: If I'm honest, I'll tell you I fell asleep for a large portion of this date. I did, however, get to see him turn her ass down. Guess I should respect him for not taking her to the old marriage bed, but frankly I just found him lame.

- Ben F: Seriously, you aren't even kinda a contender for the final rose. You are a dork. The toe kissing scene at the end was bizarre and uncomfortable for me. It wasn't funny. It was gross. Actually I find him a bit painful to watch.

- Ryan: I honestly think that producers did their absolute best to drum up some drama, but is this really the best they could come up with? My thought is this was the only fool they could get to agree to come back. Offered him a little vacation time for a few minutes of humiliating air time and he accepted. What a fool! Solar panel business must be down to be this desperate for a getaway. Surely you didn't honestly think you had a chance with Ashley. I'm gonna call him Shit Smiley from now on. His face just bugs me. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones but I just want to wipe his stupid little smirk across the Great Barrier Reef. Fuck you and your stupid grin. Let me refresh you Ryan. She spent about 3 hours with you, dumped your ass, told you she didn't have that "chemistry" with you and you walked in circles talking to yourself while a tv crew filmed you. Now, go back to her and have at it one last time, but shit- make sure you smile! Sound like a plan? Idiot.

- JP: The clear winner. I'm assuming he doesn't propose on Monday, but they will stay together. I'm sure she is willing to settle for this as she still has zero self confidence. Too bad you didn't take 3rd JP, you would have made a decent bachelor. Can anyone else see him with Emily?

As for the next bachelor, I'm not sure there are any good contenders. I think it comes down to Ames and Constantine. Clearly Constantine failed to connect with viewers and would ultimately be another Ashley trying to run this gig. So I'm gonna guess producers are out on this one. As for Ames, I think he has peaked quite a bit of interest among viewers but I think ultimately as The Bachelor he would be quite awkward and too formal. Makes me think of Jen Scheft. Loved her with Andrew Firestone and couldn't stand her as Bachelorette. My personal vote would be for JP to quickly end things with Ashley and take it on, but I'm super doubtful. Perhaps Emily will sign on? Little Miss I-Hate-the-Spotlight-so-I'm-Here-To-Talk-About-It.

Well for a season that has dragged on and on, the end sure got here quickly. Anyone else surprised to hear the Men Tell All is on Sunday and the finale is on Monday? Guess they want to shoot this horse and put it out of it's misery.

A little side note:
As I read back to my earlier blogs this season, I feel pretty let down in terms of the drama. Once the Bentley fiasco dissolved, I never really attached to any of these douchers and certainly not Ashley. So any attempts this late in the game to draw us back in have been pretty futile. I've read that viewers are down 10% this season and I think that says a lot. Bach fans are loyal SOBs are we not! Most gals and even a few guys (shout out to Matt and James) have one season where we almost fell off the Bach bandwagon. For me, that would be that Borghese tool. Remember the chick with the tiara, Erica?? That season just about made my head explode. I swore I was out for good. But hot damn if that smiley Chris Harrison and a fresh season didn't suck me right back in. This season would have to be a close runner up. Lord knows, I'm an addict. I just can't quit my weekly dose of shit talking and bad reality tv. I know I'll be back next season, but like any paranoid user I'm gonna have my guard up. I have my fingers crossed for Emily, but I'm certainly not banking on it. I definitely feel like if she is unavailable/ unwilling then they need to take a fresh stab at it. Bring me some fresh meat to spoil. Till then, looks like Bachelor Pad will be returning. Who's watching?


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The Bachelorette- Who's still with me?

At this point, I think I'm watching just to see this thing through. I'm in too deep. I'm over committed. Because this is surely not entertaining. I hate to be so down because Lord knows Bach nights are usually my favorite. Let's keep fingers crossed that these next few episodes kick it up a notch. Maybe there will be some serious sister drama and it looks like she gets some sort of special visitor. Hmm... I know, me too. My curiosity is only mildly peaked and this anticipation is greatly a facade.

A few thoughts though:

Constantine: Are you Deanna Pappas' cousin? Felt like deja vu. Greek dancing and all. Also as a side note- I watched this episode on my iPad and the clarity was amazing- he has some seriously bad skin. (shit I think I just got a pimple for writing that, but it's true).

Ames: So long friend. There is something I really like about Ames- perhaps the fact that he reminds me of a bunch of our college friends- that dorky yet intelligent humor. I'm still thinking he might have Apert's (look this syndrome up if you aren't familiar, but don't get mad I said it- Med City friends you totally know you see it too). I think his problem is that he is super stiff. It's almost like you can watch him have an inner dialogue with himself as he moves through "appropriate" responses. "Gently lean in to Ashley and give light hug lasting 2-3 seconds. Swallow drool. Return to upright position" Not exactly F*&K me material.

Ben F: I just can't get on this train. Snoozefest. I'm so glad he got in touch with his emotional side but honestly that just really turns me off. Shut up about it already. Freakin Dr. Phil.

JP: I think he's the clear winner. Pretty dorky little date they had. The one amusing point of the evening was his framed poster of himself at the age of 13. But I can't lie, I would have totally had the hots for him in 1994. Very NKOTB.

Ashley: I had a major problem with her rose ceremony dress- AGAIN! It was a hooker scene from Pretty Woman in a not so pretty woman way.


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The Bachelorette- What a wah wah

If she starts one more episode with, "I'm so happy that this week I have a fresh start with all the guys" I might die. I'm seriously over this girl. She is beyond a train wreck. I just can't hear her say how hard this is one more time. I mean this is like the 15th season. If you don't understand what you are signing up for at this point, then you are a crazy fool. Not to mention you already participated as a contestant just a few months ago. Wah wah wah, poor Ashley. She has so many decisions to make. I can't believe the producers want her to only date 4 guys now. OMG, how on earth will she ever say goodbye to a man she has only spent 4 hours alone with? There could be a connection there. Barf.

Ok she made me do it. She wore those awful skin tight skinny white jeans again that make her like 4 inches tall. I'm going there! Ashley- GET A STYLIST!!! Really, are you going to wear an open backed braless shirt to a sacred temple amongst people praying to their Gods? Have a little class. I swear, I just kept waiting for a strong gust of wind to blow that shit open. And finally, your white prom dress with cut outs to the rose ceremony? I just kept envisioning a sequel to the movie Clueless with a prom scene- this is so something Cher would have worn. Awful, just awful.

I'm also not convinced that the show is literally being sponsored by an Asian tourism company. It's become such a boring season, that they are literally trying to make money on it any way they can. Ashley is now officially part Bachelorette and part tour guide. I love how on every date she gives us some interesting local detail and history as if she has been there before and took the time to plan the date herself. Bitch please, you ain't never seen those fortune telling bricks before in your life. In fact, I bet you had to scribble little notes on your palms to remember your lines.

And finally, was it really that hard to say goodbye to Ryan? What a dork. I'm sure he's a really good guy with great intentions but seriously he does nothing for the lust factor. He's like a male Tenley. Pull yourself together Ash- he ain't it. And as for Lucas- I'm definitely sensing a secret angry asshole side. Douche.

Well of course I have to touch on the Emily interview. I actually felt very little resolution from that interview. In fact, I was a little disappointed. Maybe I just remember liking her so much more than I actually do. I thought she also had a case of the wah wahs. She's usually so spot on with her clothes too that this was also a major let down. The blousy gold top did nothing for her figure and the white skirt or shorts were boring. I liked her trendier, yet classic edgy style we saw with Brad. I got the impression that maybe they weren't quite over. I wouldn't put it past them to get back together. I think she likes the spot light. For someone who complained about it non stop she sure has done a lot of interviews. She's in People like every 5 seconds with a new article. What's the dill pickle? I'm less and less impressed. Maybe she is thinking of staying relative in case she does want to be the next Bachelorette- fingers crossed. You know I would have to watch that.


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The Bachelorette- Ding Dongs in Hong Kong

Seems like Ashley has a new uniform- silky oversized blouse and skinny jeans. The whole episode was like watching a J. Crew commercial. At times, she looked better than others, but I'm just not feeling her style. Seems like every week she is trying a new personality. This week, I thought it was bit mature for her age and if I'm being honest (which we all know I can't help but to be), she seems a little bow-legged in the tight pants. Normally, I think she makes up for her casual looks with her more formal attire, but holy crap I kept thinking of Asian prostitutes with each new dress (think Full Metal Jacket). The white dress with snake eyes and large cut out in the back was the worst- too tight and too short. Same for the glitter number at the rose ceremony. Again, I think it's a stylist issue and perhaps the weather is just really against her hair this season. Not sure... (I can't help but laugh as I reread this while I am personally wearing a Habitat for Humanity t-shirt that is barely covering my basketball belly and flannel floral pajama pants... takes one to know one right???)

So let's dissect this Bentley mess. I'm thinking that the production team finally let Ashley in on some footage of him. She went from choking back happy tears with Chris Harrison to a major chip on her shoulder when she finally sees Bentley. There is no freaking way she just "got it". I mean he was definitely a tool during their "meeting" but he wasn't all that different from any other time she was with him. I am having a really hard time believing that she finally understood he was just looking for a good "vacay" as she put it to him. Major props for the "FUCK you" she threw out to him in her interview. That's the most I've respected her all season.

As for the rose ceremony, I was slightly surprised with the guys reaction to Bentley having been in Hong Kong. I mean you are on a dating reality show competing with 24 other guys for her time and attention. And now you are upset that she had feelings for someone else? Personally, I think it's her delivery. She goes to them and says "I'm so happy to tell you that I'm finally over Bentley". Well I guess I wouldn't react all that well either. But frankly, it was a bit dramatic on Mickey, Blake and Lucas' part if you ask me. Grow a pair boys.

Some thoughts on the boys:

- JP: I believe you are the winner. You will stay together but not propose because you realize this chick ain't stable. I bet you break up by October.

-Lucas: I really started liking him on their date until he became a total sissy at the rose ceremony. I think I see a secret temper (i.e. Brad Womack).

- Ryan: I'm over him. Shit eating grin and all.

- Ames: I'm gonna give you second place. You grow on me a bit more each episode although that elevator scene was super awkward. He's such a dork in a going to be really rich kind of way. So it's hard to see him try to be spontaneous and romantic. He might learn though...

- Ben F: Hmmm you looked like the Kardashian's dressed you for your date. You seem a little too labile for my taste.

- Constantine: Clearly a good vacay for him. I see no connection here.

Who am I missing? Well this is all I can think of for now. I believe she has made some progress this week, but probably not enough to salvage a true and lasting relationship. Hot mess seems to sum her up. Should be interesting to watch.