Bachelor Recap- Brad oh who gives a f&c$?

Well I have to admit I was more than skeptical at the very idea of bringing back Brad. I was, like most women, pissed that he left two women at the "podium" as he calls it. A whole season of waste- couldn't he date for a month, hit the cover of a few gossip mags and break up with her like the rest of these bastards do. I was also irritated at his slow speech- a little overplayed country boy if you ask me. On the other hand, I've had more than a few good times at one of the bars he owns on 6th street and he isn't terrible to look at. I also figured the producers have a contract out on his testicles if he doesn't propose at the end of this season.

I have to say I was more than entertained at tonight's episode. I missed the first 20 minutes, but thanks to Traci I'm pretty much filled in. I think I'll break this down with bullet points.
* Brad- Ok enough with the humble douchebag act. We get it, you have daddy issues. You've changed. Therapy worked. You want to be happy. Riiiight. I was more than irritated with his "it's ok to hate me, just let me explain" attitude follow by 5 minutes of precious airtime complaining he was so "beat up" by the ladies. I think I see the writing on the wall- it's called "damage control" and it comes from an expensive publicist who is telling you how to be likable. My suggestion- fire your publicist. Get real. Own up to it- you didnt love the chicks. You want a re-do to see if you can trade up a bit. Go for it bro. We'll see if you man up this season.
* Chantal O- (Ok i'm a little rough on the names tonight so forgive if im a bit off- there were 30 of them)- Loved that she slapped him. Somehow, I think that played itself out ok. Normally I'm cringing when they meet for the first time and try to stand out from one another. Something about how hard she slapped made her likable.
* Madison- really? So Brad, you really want to be married and have a family so you select the chick with fangs? hmmm... this is what I call a producer pick. Brad picks the first 12 or so and they throw in a few for candy.
* Michelle- Traci you hit it on the head- Why are all the Michelle's the crazy ones? This one looks like she will produce some interesting episodes. What is her "secret" she has to tell Brad before he proposes? I'm super curious but I'm sure it's something like, "I've had 4 boob jobs".
* Emily- Sweet as pudding. Agree with Traci on this one as well- so want to hate her for her perfect appearance but she's so damn darling I want to be her BFF. (Dont worry traci I wouldnt cheat on you that easy). I'm thinking she may be the commitment phobe one.
* Sarah P- This girl wasn't on camera too much but I sure did like her. She's spunky and totally reminds me of Ashley Frankston. Just fun fun fun and sassy. We'll see if she holds up to her look a like!
*Meghan- Well interesting fact here- she went to HS with my bestie, Ali. Thought her pink shoes were ugly as sin but a clever way to stand out. Not sure why she took them off once she was in the house. Would have liked her to be a bit more confident with them. Ali- what's the dirt on her?
* Jackie- well this one looks like a loose cannon to me. Loved her yellow dress though- super cute on her skin tone. Lord knows, my pale ass could never pull it off.
* That little chick from Kansas- don't know your name sweetheart but sure did love your ruby slippers- clever clever. It's the year of the shoe I suppose. I completely agree with Traci here- it was perfect for standing out till she ruined it by saying "there's no place like home and I can't wait to take you home to meet my family". Wow- dude you just introduced yourself. The Kansas was enough connection for the shoes. I just want to edit these girls sometimes.
* Brit- wonder if she had Brad walk her back out to the car- haha.

Well that's all I can remember for now. It was a good opening. I'm anxious for next weeks episode. What are your thoughts?

Bachelor Pad- Finally a Finale!

Well folks looks like Bachelor Pad has come to a close and not too soon. I'm ready for Bachelor Bachelor- come on Chris L. show yourself!!! Tonight's show, though worthless, did bring some high points of entertainment. I suppose ABC decided to mop up some change on this one and basically advertise for their higher rated Dancing with the Stars. So we were treated to some priceless practice footage of the "couples". Edyta and ElizoVac (as I refer to them)- like watching a bad porn! Dude elizabeth you could not have looked less sexy if you were dressed like Mickey Mouse standing next to Edyta. Girl, get some toner on your hair stat and check your low self esteem elsewhere. WTF?!?! It's so hard to hear her say she wants to help Kovac win and so she will humiliate herself and become a jealous biotch while he dances with this chick who he can't stop drooling over. I literally thought we were going to watch him attempt to impregnate Edyta as he slipped her between his legs. That song from high school kept running through my head, "I feel a little poke coming through"... haha. Tenley and Kiptyn- snoozefest. Natalie and Dave- Do you hava the sex? Haha Dave says "no" and Natalie talks about their odd sexual positions. Hmmm.... Somethings not adding up (perhaps literally). Watching Dave twirl Louis- what to say about that. Louis what was up with the insane amount of back sweat. Again, uncomfortable to watch.
Now to the performances. A little piece of me died with Tenley and Kiptyn and her commands to "smile"- haha Rainbow bright has a GI Joe side! Kinky- wonder if it translates to the bedroom. Can't you see her biting and shit. So the judges, are you shitting me? Jake- fuck off. Seriously can't deal with him. Almost turned this crap off. He actually used the word "transitions". As in you need to transition yourself into a real career you douche. Dave and Natalie- hmm it was like watching two cheetos flitter around the dance floor. Woof.
No surprise with Gia and Wes. Good luck taming that fool. Cya KipTen!!! Go pat yourselves on your back for being a bunch of dorks. Krisily- woah girl you got real bad spray tan and that's saying something if I have to point you out over the rest of the overcooked carrots. Interesting twist at the end- I liked it. Natalie had me going. Maybe she will get her hair fixed now. Well folks, till January.

Monday Night Reality = immorality!

So I don't know about you guys but between Real Housewives of NJ reunion and Bachelor Pad, I felt like I had done something wrong just by watching. It was seriously like Mean Girls exploded. Let's start with Bachelor Pad. At first, I was little curious to see what would come of the "survey". But ABC didn't even sugar coat that one bit. They cut right to it- who's dumbest, who's the worst boob job and finally who's never the bride- are you kidding me?!? Why were the questions so focused on hurting the females? I mean I really hate to dissect these types of shows because I love them and if I really examine them I'd probably realize just how shitty they are to women in general. But seriously, there wasn't even a need to soul search last night. It was just plain wrong. I mean I think I pulled a Kovacs and started to care for Elizabeth when last week I thought she was the spawn of satan with bad hair. If she has the worst boobs I must look like a freak of nature to them (despite the fact that most of them are a bit too orange and have major hair color issues). That being said, my heart broke for Gwen (I have always liked her circa Aaron's season) as well as Natalie. Dude, who didn't party before they got married? Way to go girl- work it till you find it. (She is, however, one who needs to work on her coloring- I'm just saying). I got into a pretty good Tenley discussion this last weekend and I believe last night was the nail in the coffin for her and really solidified an evolving opinion I had of her. She damn near leapt out of her seat when she called it on Gwen being the "dumb" one. Seriously, she's dumb. She shits rainbows, has a whiny voice and lacks any real confidence. She sucks. I had high hopes for this show and to be honest, it's disappointing a bit. Not like I won't watch it, but The Bachelor is probably just a better show.

Onto my Jersey Girls! Now there's some shit flying. I love this cast because they ALL really believe they are the ones who have done NOTHING wrong. I can't stand Danielle (and really every show needs a villain and she's a great one). She's delusional and crazy and looks like she's in a constant state of trying to contain her emotions while putting a hex on someone. But I'm seriously starting to feel sorry for this poor old hag. The other ladies are freaking cruel to her. I mean they strike fast and deep- hit the core every time. Danielle lashes out back and nearly gets eaten by Teresa. That chick needs some meds. She damn near put Andy in a coma. That's a bit too masculine for my tastes. She looked crazy last season with the table flip (though it was a highlight of the season for me) and this year she's look like Ramona from RHONYC with crazy eyes. And dude fess up about the money shit. You are freakin broke. You blew your money on feather boas and marble floors. We know it.

Jacqueline- get a stylist. Red sequin mini halter dress- really? I don't know if I EVER could have pulled that thing off in my lifetime and you certainly shouldn't try at 40. Caroline oh Caroline. Loves her. Mama bear can be for 'ril scary. I like it though- so much attitude and she's usually right. She's getting a bit doctor phil with "OK corral" and "buckle up" expressions every 5 seconds, but hey, it's her. She looked great in royal blue as well. Power color without saying "fuck you" in red sequins.

So I'm dying for next week's episode. Did anyone else think they were hinting at a previous sexual relationship between Danielle and Jacqueline?? Hmm.... I was confused and can't wait to see next week's throw down. Till then I'm off to confession for some repentance after watching all this trash.

Real Housewives of DC- Sparkle edition

Because I just can't leave it alone. Michaele what the fuck?!? Sparkle? Are you shitting me? That's so Rainbow Bright. That was the most awkward 4 second pause waiting for your new horse's name and you come up with Sparkle. I love you how she had her riding pants on for her birthday surprise. As if....

Ok this season seems a bit too delicate to touch on too much. They have the race card, the Brit thing and anorexia already- oh my. Should be a great season. Can't wait to see the White House scandel unfold. That hooch is gonna be entertaining.

The Bachelor Pad- Series premiere

Seems like I'm gonna L-O-V-E love this show. It was a good turn around coming on the heels of Ali's season (which I didn't blog on because frankly most of you readers were already at my house to hear quite a bit of commentary). I will say this- Very surprised she ended up with someone at all. Love her and Roberto and might actually put a little faith into this relationship. Chris Chris Chris- PUuuuuhlease tell me you are the next bachelor. Can you see it- a whole season around that delicious Chris L. mmmm :)

Anyhoo- my mind can get so distracted when I'm planning the upcoming productions for primetime tv. Back to the Bachelor Pad. Catchy and appropriate title. I really liked Melissa Rycroft Strickland (?) so I'm happy to see her hostess a bit. Loved her metallic dress at the rose ceremony but found it very awkward when she handed the roses to the girls. I think she could use about an 8 pound weight gain. Not much but just a touch to take away the harsh edges on her. Overall good cast but a few from left field. Krisily? Who the fuck is that? Charlie's season was lame and I heard that he and Sara have broken up once and for all so wish they had picked her over that chick. Laughed so hard when Weatherman, Jonathan, was like "who the hell is she"? Cause you know that dude has watched as loyally as me- grow a pair bro. Also laughed when he was deciding if he should hook up with a few girls to get votes (as if he has that option- dude they laughed at you to your face). Sometimes I guess it pays to be oblivious. Gwen- were the question marks next to her name necessary? She can't be that old. 40-43 is my guess. And honestly she looks smokin hot- hasn't really aged since her show with Aaron (what an awful bachelor!!!!). She just needs a great haircut and some low-lights. Curious to see what she'll do this season. Natalie- you know that chick gets around. Bet she hasn't worked a day since her season. I think she got veneers. Looks good. Wish she would fix her hair. Jessie the girl- still looks so mousy to me. And her dress that she wore out with Craig M. looked like a tame 1980's prom dress circa Pretty in Pink. She does have rockin abs but I'm just not seeing it. The guys seem to really like her which makes me think she has a reputation for other things they just haven't shared with us yet. Nicki- hmm? Not sure how i feel about her yet. I remember her being the den mother in her season who cooked for everyone and just "couldn't let her guard down". I really didn't see her with Juan. I personally think she lucked out with getting rid of him on the first episode. Otherwise, her anger and tears would have continued over the next few weeks and really made her look desperate and weak. Now Juan just looks like a tool. In fact, he's a bit mousy looking as well so it would be interesting to see him with Jessie. Michelle- you crazy loon. She should know better than to lock Cinderella in a bathroom and threaten her. I will miss her drama though. Some girls just never get it. Now that brings me to Tenley. I was really excited to see her do this show, but holy shit she really has swallowed a rainbow. Twinkle toes looked so freakin loopy. What is she on? From laughter to tears but not in a Steel Magnolia's kind-of-way. Shit, she should have knocked that chick out and put her toothbrush in the toilet like any other women with a backbone who gets cornered in a bathroom. Not freakin cry to the whole cast like the injured duckling that she is. She needs to lose the victim card stat and bring her voice down two octaves. Otherwise, loves her.

On to the guys. I could open a garage with all the tools they cast. David- tool. You were a tool on Jillian's season and still are. Craig M.- you really do have great hair, but your lounge-wear and bright colors and strategies equate you to a tool. Jessie K- WTF you are whipped by a crazy bitch. Don't even get me going on that Elizabeth. I knew bitches like that in high school and hated them then and hate them now. She has crazy hair and crazy eyes. I could go on, but she seriously gets me worked up. Anyways, Jessie I lost respect for you that I really never had in the first place. Jessie B- what's with all the Jessies? You're ok except for the giant hooch hangin on your lip. What's with the relationship with Natalie? You seem too cool for that. I think I saw that hoe's legs more than I saw her face. At least sleep in your own bunk. Do you even hear what I'm saying?? We're talking about freakin bunk beds. Separate and stat!

I'm a little concerned that they are going to funk around with Chris Harrison's waredrobe. Try to cool him up for these escapades. Leave well enough alone. The music made me think of Grease and commercials for Fiesta Texas- a little too hokey, but that's a running problem for ABC. There's so much more to discuss but time is limited. We'll save some for next week.

Bachelorette- The Men Tell All too little

So I'm a bit behind on the blogging, but vacation called. Let me start with this small contract issue I have with ABC- don't they require ALL the bachelors to appear on this kind of shit? Where the hell was Justin??? It's just not the same to bash these dudes if they aren't there to dig their hole deeper. So I guess the next best thing was audience commentary? Seriously? Lame waste of time. As well as the overplayed recaps- we freakin' know what happened this season. You think some dude channel surfing is gonna just pause on The Bachelorette and be all "caught up" and grateful for the backline. And while I'm griping- I totally missed the 20/20 special after the show- I had no idea that was going to be on afterwards since I DVR'd- so did I miss anything??

Anyhoo- Loved the Phantom bit. Did Chris N. just get off narcs or what? He was so lively tonight and perhaps a bit too tan- great haircut though. Same holds true for Kyle (looked sooo much better). Ty is really growing on me and I'm beginning to think Jessie might have been cast off a bit too early. I think the real winner tonight was Craig. Erin I gotta hand it to you- he really pulled this one out. He's rather witty and gets better looking by the minute. Was he trying a bit too hard to be the next Bachelor though? Loved how they called Kasey out on the crazy- he took it well and his song at the end was hilarious. Still can't stand his voice. Maybe he has too many "angles". His face is a bit sharp and then his hair is precise and his shirt a bit crisp. He needs a t-shirt and reefs.

I'm still having an issue with the way everyone on the show (bachelors to host Chris Harrison to Ali herself) all act like she is the one planning and preparing these dates. Be real, bitch didn't call no private chopper shop and order herself a ride around a leaky volcano and we all know she didn't gather grapes and cheese for a picnic. The only thing I think she did herself was her hair. I'm still bothered by the extensions although it was a cute up-do tonight. Loved her dress though it was maybe not all that flattering. Sometimes you gotta wear sequins no matter the consequence. I feel that. Men have power red ties and girls have shiny shit and heels.

Ok I remember that mousy girl, Jessie, from Jake's season, but seriously? Did she need a whole segment? She's so damn proud of herself for discovering Justin's girlfriends. I mean honestly, can we say producer planted? Maybe it's just the Canadian in her (KIDDING!). Oh I did just read on people that she is actually now dating Kirk. Interesting....

Speaking of Kirk- he looked better on tonight's show- lighting maybe? He could grow on me over time, but I definitely can't see him as next bachelor. And honestly, if you think are dying and not going to make it through the night, why wouldn't you go to the hospital?

So I'm thinking Ali "takes the ultimate risk" and risks having nothing by choosing no one. Eh. She's an idiot not to marry Chris. Roberto ain't bad either. So I'm voting Chris next bachelor. She hit it right on the head saying "he's just so manly". He is just so John Corbett in Sex in the City circuit bucket of chicken on his chest episode. Loves.

Oh I know what we're missing now- the Weatherman. Poor dude. He gets more mousy and womanly with every second. Does anyone watch him in Houston?

Well folks, if you're in town next Monday then stop by for the finale watching party at my house. Bring your shit talk ladies!!!

Bachelorette Week 7- Showdown Vake

Wow what a week- let's start with the self proclaimed Famewhores. That was TV gold people. I just wanted to punch Jake right in the nose and white up his snotty little attitude with Vienna's over made-up face. Girl, no "coat" is gonna make you look normal and professional- she should listen to Oprah- Don't wear white on camera cause it's just too harsh. But seriously, I did actually start to feel sorry for her. It did appear to me that she had some real feelings (albeit those of an idealistic 7 year old who just finished watching The Little Mermaid). Loved how she called him out on not flying in the last 2 years only because it elicited his brilliant response of, "Uh-huh! I flew last weekend!" haha- dude YOU need to get a job. I'm a little confused about the dog- did it die? Since when did an IV translate to sick as shit? So he flew the dog out and then it shat everywhere so he made her drive it to Florida? Hmmm... if they were smart they would have avoided all these arguments about a dog and just had a baby like other real couples. That way they could have sold the new baby pics and split the money and been set for like the next 2 months. Chris Harrison please stop showing favoritism to Jake- he's a douchebag and you look like a tool being nice to him. Vienna take some xanex before big shows like this. Jake- go away. And don't interrupt me!

Now back to Portugal- I believe I'd like to go there as long as I don't have to see every so-called castle in sight and have a fairytale theme. ABC you overdid it with the cheesy music, sunsets and prince themes- seriously- it's embarrassing when my husband walks in and the GUYS are saying they want to be her "king" and using words like "dungeon". Hard to stay legit with shit like that. Ali- lookin better this week. I liked most of her outfits and her hair didn't piss me off as much. Bye bye Ty- let's not pretend you ever had a real shot. The cowboy thing was cute but we all know horseback riding doesn't build a lasting relationship. Robert0- you bored me a bit this week. I'm ready for Ali to pull herself together and stop fawning over him. Looks like next week may be worse with him in a baseball uniform. Kirk- ugh. I'm so over him and his huge plaid shirts. Frank- well we all pretty much know you are gonna suck in the end (You've really let me down Frank- I was pulling for you early on). Did everyone catch a glimpse of the ex in next week's preview? She doesn't seem that cute but we'll see. Frank, when you are trying to man-up your circumstances about being 30 and living at home with your 'rents, try not to cry- it definitely peels away the masculinity. He also needs to stop discussing his game plan with the other men- you're showing your cards bro. Chris L- mmmm still my fave! Ali is dumb if she doesn't like him. But then again, something is keeping her single- she must not want a kind, sensitive, brawny hunk of a man. My one concern is a slight over attachment to the family- let's hope he has some boundaries.

Well baby Ella is up and ready for her mommy to stop bashing these fools and put her nice face on again. Till Monday peeps....