The Bachelorette- One episode way from a tranquilizer

Well now I'm just starting to feel bad for the producers. They must have been working around the clock trying to make her bullshit remotely interesting. This girl is a fuckin mess. She is an emotional train wreck that has gone from slightly peaking my curiosity to sheer and total boredom. I started the season with high hopes for some good drama and at least a couple hours of entertainment a week. And now I feel like I should be setting up a therapy trust fund for the girl. The fact that Chris Harrison is counseling this chick and saying there is no way for her to have a successful ending at the rate she is going should send alarms flying for her. Let me spell this out for you Ash: When the frickin host of a reality dating show tells you your shit ain't together, you have some MAJOR problems!

So I couldn't help but laugh at all the little oddities and "drama inducing" moments that ABC pushed. It reminds me of this behind the scenes episode I saw on the production of the show "Survivor". Once I saw that they were releasing caged snakes into water and filming it to add that "danger" element, the show was never the same for me. Did anyone else notice the number of stray dogs throughout the show? Must be a Thailand thing or perhaps the staff just travels with their pets everywhere. Ummm, burning the rose after sending William and Ben C. home.... necessary? I think not. And really, a legit Thai fighting match??? These poor douchebags. I think in previous seasons when they have done similar "fight" scenes, it was much more acting and editing. But not so for these boys- they had a good old fashioned ass whooping. It's a basic principle in the entertainment world- bombs, boobs and brawls bring in the audience. Well bombs are ill suited and home girl has no boobs so the result seems obvious.

On to the boys. I'm seriously unimpressed. This probably has more to do with Ashley than anything, but let's be real- none of them give a shit about her. And why should they? She can't get over Bentley. She is extremely insecure. She begs for the truth and seems to have trouble recognizing it when it's staring her in the face. And her hair is beyond irritating to me at this point. Oh but back to the dudes (I digress...)

- JP: Still really like him. I'm not sure why he likes her, but he seems legit. Love how he said "the Jew from Long Island just kicked the Irishman's ass"

- Mickey: Are you seriously still here?

- Constantine: Still can't tell you apart from Ben F. Found your "honesty" irritating. You clearly are enjoying the perks of free travel and booze. But I don't really blame you. Cut your hair.

- Blake: You may be as insecure as she is.

- Ben F: Snooze. Glad you decided to grab life by the horns after years of moping. Good for you. To the rest of the world, that's called Paxil. Cut your hair as well.

- Lucas: Still not really sure who you are. You might be the silent one that comes up to win it. They tend to keep one under wraps to throw us for the loop towards the end.

- Ryan: Wipe that silly little smirk off your face. Shit eating grin.

- William: Good riddance. You also need therapy big time.

- Ames: Like you more and more despite your distracting forehead. (I know that's mean, but hey this is my blog). I have to say I did not mind the pink on you (again forced ABC drama over pant color- stupid). Felt pretty bad for you getting your ass handed to you like that. You seriously should have walked off the set- she's not worth it bro.

- Ben C: Damn! I was rooting for you! So our friend Greg went to Tulane Law with Ben and was an acquaintance of his. So here's a repost of what Greg wrote me about him:

To me, this is hilarious, because I remember him as being really quiet and introverted. Whenever he did talk, he would kind of speak in a nervous, fast way. He is ridiculously good looking (no homo), but otherwise just did not seem like the reality TV show contestant type. He and I didn't really hang out together. He dated another law student for most of the time we were there. She was cool, pretty, outgoing, one of those people everyone liked. His girlfriend and I had some mutual friends so Ben and I ended up in the same bar/at the same party a lot. I thought he was a nice guy. I can't remember anyone saying anything to me about him that was negative. I never heard any rumors about him cheating on her, which is pretty good, given some of the others guys we went to school with. I have no idea why they broke up, and until someone told me he was doing this show I just kind of assumed they had gotten married. His girlfriend and her friends were all superstar students, so I'm sure he made good grades too. I think he works at one of the bigger law firms in New Orleans, so $$$. I am just at a loss for what his motivation would be. Commercial/corporate law can be soul-crushing, so maybe this is his way out.

Well I know I'll tune in next week. At this point I'm committed to the end. I'm no quitter! I'm hoping for some serious Bentley drama but I'm not putting much stock in it either.

The Bachelorette- Snooze Fest 2011

Not even Thailand could perk up this episode. I fell asleep twice watching it. Ashley Ashley Ashley- you need a stylist and a curling iron stat! Who is in charge of adapters here? Clearly the girl is in need of some hair equipment. I realize it's raining but we are talking about national TV. You need to figure out a cute updo immediately. This was unfortunate as well as distracting. Furthermore, I'm not sure who was in charge of her wardrobe but it was tragic! Bright red shorts, wife beater and espadrilles. I'm not feeling the Rainbow Bright ensembles on her. Again, a few modifications and she would have been ok. Twist your hair up, put on a cute blouse and reasonable shoes. She also seems to be a fan of one shouldered over-sized tops. This just screams Victoria's Secret clothing catalogue to me.... except she has no boobs and no sex appeal. Poor thing. I will give her a little credit for the rose ceremony dress- great colors on her and sassy. She also finally fixed her hair. Maybe her luggage had been lost...

I'm finding her to be the equivalent of that Borghese guy in terms of being the Bachelor/Bachelorette. Worthless. Harsh I know but really it's called knowing your limits. She wasn't the right person for the job. The fact that she is stuck on Bentley after only a matter of hours together is just sad. In reality REALITY, how much stock can you even put on the relationship after a whole season on filming? None really. So we're supposed to feel bad for you after you had two group dates with some dude. I think she really has no sense of self and has poor judgement. I mean she goes from settling on a winner in the first 2 episodes to keeping extra guys because she could see herself with any of them. Really? Honestly, I'm impressed none of the guys have jumped ship yet. I guess the fact that they get a bad ass vacation to an exotic location has kept many of them around. I can't believe I'm going to say it, but here goes: She hasn't formed a real "connection" with any of them yet. Frankly, I'm having a hard time telling them apart still. Like Ben F and Constantine- who the fuck is who? They both seriously need a haircut which has become more and more apparent with the humidity. Also, anyone else having a hard time distinguishing between William, Blake and Ryan. Hmm tall white dudes with crew cuts and extremely straight teeth. Bland bland bland like the rest of the season.

One final thought on Ashley- I was terribly annoyed with her reaction to these tsunami orphans. Could she have been more excited about their tragic lives? I mean she was yeeing and hawing that whole segment. They have no parents!!! yippeee! They lost everything! Here's a bike, yay!!!! Don't get me wrong- this was a wonderful thing for ABC to do but Ashley you need to appreciate the situation and check yourself. She's like a short and young version of Ty Peddington (thank God they didn't give her a bull horn).

A couple thoughts on the guys- Ryan... funny watching him be pissed over complaints he was too happy. Ironic. West- oh please! Wah wah wah- just waiting for your 15 minutes of fame. I'm still not sure I believe his wife just happened to drown in the bathtub. You have to be semi- messed up for your mother-in-law to have you investigated for murder. Ben C- where you been dude? I'd like to see more of him and JP. They both seem solid at this point. Which I'm not sure how much that is saying for this season as a whole...

Next week looks great. What the hell could Bentley possibly have to say? Perhaps he wants to cement his celibacy for life by affirming his douchebag nature once and for all. I'll definitely be tuning in.

OH SHIT- The Mavs only Need ONE to Win it

Well why should I care about the NBA finals you ask?? Cause I'm a dumb ass. I'm married to the biggest Mavs fan ever who can't sleep when they win and can't sleep when they lose. It's really an ongoing joke between us since I'm a Spurs fan (well let's be honest, I only watch the games when I have tickets and even then I care more about the dancers and a cold beer... gotta love stadium food). So as play offs were approaching and both the Spurs and Mavs were in, I started teasing Ryan and laughing how they always lose in the most devastating ways. Well this conversation bleeds into another conversation regarding the name of our unborn child (at the time the sex was unknown). So Ryan is suggesting boy names like "Troy Aikman Moody, Emmit Troy, Dirk Troy etc... All based on his two favorite teams the Cowboys and Mavs. So I VERY stupidly say, if the Mavs win the championship you can name our son "Dirk". STUPID!!!!!!!!! STUPID!!!!!!!! STUPID!!!!!! And obviously I wasn't drinking when I said it. I made the worst bet a person could ever make. Here's the other stupid part or could be genius move- a counter bet was never made thereby negating any legitimacy for this bet.

So as the Mavs continued to move forward in the series, I started to get a little freaked about the name situation. I was also freaking about our upcoming 20 week ultrasound. I was more than nervous being the PICU nurse I am. 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 kidneys, 4 chamber heart etc.... were all hiking up the blood pressure and Ryan could tell. I decided this was the time to break his heart and the bet and use all the sympathy I could get. Yup, I did the unthinkable, I re-negged on the bet. Stating I just couldn't risk our son being named Dirk (shit it rhymes with jerk) and that it takes two signatures on the birth certificate, he pretty much caved. So 20 minutes later we found out we were having a boy and I was thanking God I had already called off the bet.

Over the last few weeks, we've finally locked in a real name: Rhett Jameson Moody. Rhett cause it's cool and Ryan and I both like that he and baby boy would have the same "R" to their names and Jameson after my dad, James. And Moody since we think that's the baby's daddy. Kidding....

So what's the big deal right? Only that my entire family and his entire family as well as coworkers, friends and neighbors are all referring to baby as "Dirk". Poor little guy. I think he has found his nickname and I'm not sure any amount of rational conversation or legality of the aforementioned bet are changing anyones mind. So ladies, for your own sake, never ever make a bet on your unborn child's name. And do me a favor, cross your fingers for Sunday's big game- Come on Lebron pull your shit together and kick some Mav ass!

The bachelorette-Bad News Bentley, Your Hair Didn't Look Good

I may be just a nurse, but here's my diagnosis of Bentley (thanks wikipedia):

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person (generally over the age of eighteen years, although it is also found in adolescents), characterized by depth and variability of moods.^{[n 1]}The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, orsplitting; the disorder often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes, as well as chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.

This guy is a real creep. Someone needs to check his dryer for any missing cats. Seriously, I'm thinking sociopath. Everybody has dated a scumbag but this douche is just mean. I think he really enjoyed watching her suffer and that was just plain cruel to watch (albeit entertaining). I feel super worried about his daughter. Poor little Cozy!! (sidenote on the name- did a little research and I think we can all relax on the name thing. Her actual name is Cozette- pretty cute!) So it just clicked for me who Michelle Money is, but she's the little hooch who kept climbing all over Brad last season. So that makes sense to me. Bentley and Michelle are both from Utah and like Carrie pointed out today- crazy attracts crazy. So of course she would know him. I really can't figure out why Ashley didn't listen to her- she's a fool. The worst part, on Ashley's blog today she tells us that this is not the last we will see of him this season- YIKES!!!

So I'm a little torn on Ashley. I feel like she is SO not ready for being the Bachelorette. The girl needs a shit ton of therapy before doing a show like this. She has major issues with self confidence and doesn't seem to have a real grasp of who she is or what she has going for herself. Very skewed self image if you ask me. On the other hand, she totally knew what she was getting into. Shit girl, you were just on The Bachelor! It can't be a surprise to you that not ALL 25 men will want to date you or that they aren't all here for the right reasons. Get a grip! Shit, if I took 5 of my best girlfriends and asked them to agree on one great guy, they never would. Why on earth does she think they ALL need to love her? I get that you are a little nervous that Emily was more popular. She was. She always will be. But you aren't a loser. Embrace what you got and know what you like. Be real. Do you really want to marry a man that had to wear a mask around you for the first 7 days? Or do you really see yourself with a stand up comedian for a husband while you run your own dental practice? I mean I don't think I'd want to spend my life with a man who just told national television just how flat my boobs are! It's ok to say "you ain't it". She's so freakin open that she makes herself an easy target. Frankly, I find it immature. And for the record, you didn't love Bentley or Brad. You probably just really wanted to F*$A% him! Yeah I said it. And most of us have been there. But girl, that ain't love. That's hot sex.

Honestly, this season is one fat train wreck. It's going to be a season of watching this little sweet pea fall apart and try to pick herself back up. It's hard to even address the other contestants at this point. Clearly, it doesn't matter. I can't see her being in a good relationship any time in the near future. She's got some work to do. I think there are some great guys for her but she's truly incapable of seeing that at this point. The fact that she saw herself with Bentley in the end with only 1-2 group dates under her belt is scary. The girl is a fool. Bentley should be shot. Here's a picture of his ex wife, Suzette (hmm... Cozette and Suzette???) Yeah, I see the Emily resemblance for sure. What a creep. The sad thing is, some other hot mess will totally fall for him. And to whoever that girl is.... you were warned!

Suzette the ex!

The Bachelorette- That Reminds me....

As I finally caught up on last Monday's episode, all I could think was, "you know who that guy reminds me of".... So here's a few examples:


Jason Schwartzman & Stephen

Eddie Haskell + Jake Pavelka = William

Ben F is Pedro (Napoleon Dynamite)

I could go on but Ryan told me that a few these were just too mean. So call me and I'll reveal my mean girl self.

Well this week's episode was even more difficult to watch than the first. I couldn't have felt more awkward watching that stupid fake wedding. Seriously??? Who is coming up with their dates? She/he should be fired. I have to admit, I was a little hopeful that one of those Belagio fountains was going to knock Ash and Will on their ass. But as for "romantic", I think not. Actually, I think having dinner in the middle of that pond off the Vegas strip with tons of people watching me stuff my face and make out with a real douche would pretty much be my personal hell. But as they say, one man's trash... another's treasure.

Well silly me. I thought I was through the tough part of the show until I had to watch 12 fools prepare a skit and dance routine. Woof. As many of you know, I hate any episodes that require these fools to perform. So dancing while wearing a phantom mask is pretty much nails on a chalkboard. Ashley could you be any more enthusiastic? I mean she is friggin lovin this shit. She eats this phony shit up with a spoon. She's clapping, whooping and flat out drooling over these guys. I really don't get it. Put your t-shirt back on, lace up your shoes and remember that one day when this is all over you are going to have to maintain some kind of credibility for yourself before you drill into someone's tooth.

A few last thoughts:

Mickey- I flipped a coin and you suck. There's just something about him that really bugs me. Could be that he looks totally different to me when he changes angles in just the slightest. Could be that he incessantly sucked at his teeth as homegirl tried to give him a rose.

West- Did you all read the People.com article I posted on FB? He has a real serial killer appeal now. Interesting... Maybe the mask man will really piss him off and we can see his dark side.

Jeff- Dude ditch the mask. This is definitely one of those producer picks. I wonder what would happen if we put him in Madison's fangs.

Ames- I'm really distracted by your large forehead.

Ben C.- So Ryan's friend Greg Burton went to law school at Tulane with Ben. Hoping for some insider information stat!!!! I think I like this guy but he seems to have a little nervous babble. We shall see.

William- Kind of like this guy but wish he would tone down the impersonations. Little grating to watch. And if I may be so tacky.... what's the old W2 gonna look like at the end of the year with a cellular phone sales job? Pardon me, I believe he referred to it as "connecting communications".

The good news is, a new episode is just 48 hours away!!!

The Bachelorette- Guts, Nuts and Cupcakes

Where to begin.... there's always so much to say about the first episode of a new season. I suppose there is no better place to start than with the lady herself, Ashley Hebert. I have to say, she about hit the nail on the head in terms of my expectations. She's no Emily. She knows it, ABC knows it and I know it. They tried to glam her up at the After The Final Rose and did a pretty good job. I liked the hair color, the swept bangs and loose waves. But shit, home girl just can't keep it up. Last night, she looked disheveled and short in a swanky gown that was too grown up for her. I swear, if she licks her teeth one more time, I might die. I'm wondering is she worried she has food stuck in her teeth or has lipstick smears... she is lacking in terms of lips so maybe this is a constant battle for her. But your best solution would be a mirror. She reminds me of those snotty kids who continuously lick around their mouth. Admit it- you know exactly what I'm talking about. Frankly, I think she is a DNA copy of Trista Sutter mixed with the "i'm short and cute" attitude of Jillian Harris. Last night I was irritated with all the squealing and giggling. It was just all too much. I think the irritation is up today after learning that Brad and Emily have OFFICIALLY called it off. Damn- could have been so much better with her. I feel like ABC realizes they were in a pickle- sort of had to choose Ashley. So they have compensated by adding a shitload of tools this season. And you know what, I like it! That's some summer tv! I'm a little off the Bachelor train right now. Honestly, I'm pissed about Brad and Em. He's such a dick for f'ing it up with her that right now I don't think any of these fools should find love. So bring on the hot mess of emotions.

Every season, it gets harder and harder to watch the first introductions. I am litterally curled up in a ball in my bed and forcing myself to watch these horribly awkward encounters. If it wasn't for my current lime sherbet addiction I'm not sure I would even be able to pull my head out from under the pillow (hey it's my wine for the next 5 months!). I think in the future any dude who decides to pick you up and put you on his shoulder or do a tango with you upon his initial meeting should immediately be asked to leave. In fact, she should throw the rose at his face. It's not clever. It's not sexy. It's rude. Put her shiny, happy ass back on the floor.

Ok let's do a quick review of some stand outs. I'm horrible in the beginning with names, so bare with.

JP- Early front runner in my mind. Super hot and for some reason, i'm digging his shaved head. I even liked the cupcake story he told till she ruined it with her fantasy of being called "cupcake". Really Ash? You want to admit that? I may not be able to let that go.

Ben- He reminds me a bit of Frank from Jillian's season. I think he's pretty cute (maybe a bit much jaw but rather too much than too little). I thought the message board was a little hoaky but hey, I love Love Actually- well played my friend.

Constantine- I'm seriously distracted by his name. I really can't hear anything he says when his name pops up on screen.

West- Love his name (yes I'm very stuck on names based on my current situation). His story was gut wrenching. Very relieved she picked him. I'd like to see that play out. Obviously we know from Emily, that a widow goes far in terms of ratings- no offense West.

Dude who threw the guitar- clever... not sure how I feel just yet about him. Makes me laugh a little thinking of Wes from Jillian's season. Really kind of wish he threw Ashley in the pool though instead of the guitar though- really Ash? You can't wait to be serenaded? Maybe it's just me.... I hate that kind of attention.

Jeff- The Masked Man. Ok I really kind of hate this crap. He's a real "let me be the center of attention by being as invisible as possible" kind of guy. Normally, we see this with girls who are crying in the bathroom. "Don't pay attention to me... wah wah wah". On the other hand, I'm fine with his reasoning and calm demeanor. Hey why not get to know him? But all this was before I realized he continues to wear the mask into the following days. Seriously? I'm also curious, can she see his picture back in the "decision" room? Then that's just stupid.

Bentley- Normally I would hate this guy. I think I have a lot of potential to hate this guy. But at this point, I think it's sheer drama and that's what I'm looking for. If I wanted to see normal and healthy I'd turn on reruns of 7th Heaven. He is hot- great hair. Definite douchebag who was on drugs when naming his child Cozy. Maybe they were roomates with Apple Martin or Blanket Jackson at the hospital. I think I'm going to have a hard time feeling sorry for Ashley in the end knowing she was warned in grave detail about this guy. And if that didn't do it for you Ash, you know he named his daughter Cozy. Beware. In the spirit of Oprah's final week, I'll share with you all a piece of advice she frequently quotes, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them". O what will we do without you?

And finally, Tim- hmm not sure what to say. Tim if I were you, I think i'd get an attorney. For any of my lawyer readers... could he sue ABC for over-serving him and then using footage to make a complete mockery of him? I really felt bad for the dude. Did she really need to get 6 men to help her get him out to the car? But to Tim, you need to check yourself fool. I know you're nervous, but really? Ask yourself, should you be working in the liquor industry?

Quote of the night- "It takes guts and nuts!"- some dude in reference to "stealing" Ashley away.

Well I think this promises to be a season of entertainment. Ashley I wish you luck. You may even find love. But if you do, it will be despite all odds. I really think ABC has set up every obstacle and drama possible in the name of ratings. GIrl, listen to your gut. You have already hinted to us that you are lacking some confidence and felt like viewers really wanted to see Emily- I think you are right and for that, I feel for ya.

P.S. I'd like to take my blog a little further in the future, so please feel free to repost a link to it on your FB pages or blogs. Thanks!

Bach Recap- Before the FINAL rose

Ok who's pumped? I can't wait for next week's show. I have been certain it was Emily and I still maintain that it is, but I have to say that my sister definitely put some serious doubt in my head this weekend. She brings up an excellent point. Brad does seem to say often that he feels so comfortable with Chantal. And maybe they have downplayed their relationship a bit to throw us off a bit. Who knows? I think it's gonna be good.

As for last night's episode... I'd say it was hard to watch. I have to admit, I even started to feel for Michelle. I do think she was a bit misunderstood. Her sarcastic and dry humor is hard to pick up on in short segments and clips and I think it did make her to be the villain. One thing that was not said though, was how sexual she was. And let's face it- this is what really pissed off the women. It wasn't that she made fun of them or told Brad she thought they should be sent home, but that she was turning this ABC primetime show into a late cinemax flick. Shit, I wouldn't want some hooch up on my man either. P.S. Was it me or is Chris Harrison totally in love with her?

So while I think Michelle recovered some fans, I think Stacey did some serious image damage. Slow yo' roll lady. No need to knock Michelle's parenting skills. Does she not have a right to "find love" just because she has a child? How come no one is saying anything to Emily? I did read on people.com that she got serious criticism for her boob job and that this part wasn't aired. Interesting.

Jackie Jackie Jackie. The spider analogy? Creepy? Really- let's save that for child predators. It's a little overkill with Michelle. I think what you were trying to say was that just because you are the least sexual person on the show doesn't mean you didn't have a "connection" with Brad. Clearly, you were jealous of Michelle's inhibitions. Too bad too because you didn't need to be. You were fine just the way you were. Now put the claws away and go back to being a lady.

Ashley H- I personally loved the new hair on her. I know it was controversial for some of you, but I thought the darker color really matched her and I loved the bangs- really framed her face. Well done gal- you seemed comfortable in your skin. Thought your hug for Brad was a little much and I was worried I was going to see your cooch at any moment. Otherwise, well played.

Ashley S- girl, why you still crying on camera? You need a BFF to set you straight. That and a good girl's night out with a few tequila shots. Let it go, you weren't meant to be HIS wife.

Melissa and Rachel- Really? Really??? Seriously bored with their 10 minutes of stupid drama. Neither of you were right for him because you don't have the common sense to not cat fight on the first episode. Duh!

Shawntel- did I miss it? Did they even talk to her?

Best part of the show was the out-takes. I always think those are hilarious. It was funny to see that silly side of Brad- I liked him so much more once I saw him singing, "Let me ride that donkey donkey". Brought back so many high school memories for me!! Also he finally seemed to match up with the man I envision owning Chugging Monkey.

One last side note- did you all catch that glimpse of Peyton and Chris L. on the Bachelor Pad party??? L-O-V-E LOVE them!!
Okey dokey- finale watching party next monday at 7!!!! Be here or be square!