Bachelor Recap- I Feel Special

Tonight's recap HAS to start with the overwhelming crazy bitch of the house- Michelle. Wow a black eye? Surprise surprise. Seriously what is going on in her head? Maybe she has been using that brazilian blow out too much on clients and the formaldehyde has gone to her head. I have a few thoughts on that black eye- every hear of Munchausens? Bitch will stop at nothing to get attention. I guess you can only pull the birthday card once every 365 days. I have a feeling she's actually used it about 40 times in her life (not 31). I'll also go so far as to say I bet she's actually a repelling coach back home- that bitch ain't afraid of heights. She just watched Jake's season and saw that other crazy bitch win a man over a little fear of heights. Some people call that a smart play, I call her crazy. Ain't no freakin' way home girl got a mystery black eye in her sleep and just happened to get a one-on-one date. Those producers did a little consultation with the corporate lawyers and figured they better give her a little Brad time before she up and kills one of those other crazy bitches. And lady, lay off the testosterone- using the sumo elbow and right hook on camera is straight up manly and tacky. It ranks right up there with chewing gum on camera. Glamour don't.

Let's move on to the group date. I know Brad believes Dr. Drew's (aka the doctor for celebrity rehab- hmm...) is the perfect spot for everyone to open up and reveal their true self- I believe he used the term "safe place", but I'm not sure public radio is exactly where I would reveal my inner demons. And I'm still not quite sure what clarity he gained from this experience. I found it to be a lot of "I'd like to get to know you better" bullshit. And in true ABC fashion they decided wind down the evening in none other than..... a hot tub! This whole scene lost me- I'm not quite sure how they went from therapy to hot tub, but whatever. It was a little too Hippy Hollow for me. I could swear they were passing around a peace pipe. Well I guess it's only fair to mention the other crazy bitch now- Ashley. Hmmm... she's like my toddler- you teach her how to act by reinforcing the behaviors you do want to see. And obviously Brad is new to parenting. Were you seriously going to reward her whining with a rose? At least he pulled himself together at the last minute and went with Brit Brit (ok girl we get it, you're intimidated- next week you are gonna need something real to discuss with him- oh and a haircut).

Ok I feel like I need to lay out a few reminders and tips to the ladies:
1. Right answer: "I feel excited to be here"
2. Wrong answer: "It's just so hard to watch you date other women"
3. Crying crying crying, Chantal stop it! You're too cute to do that. (also see #5)
4. Sorry ladies if Emily is in your season- you just can't beat that. I can actually see them saying, "Wow she's so lucky- she's so beautiful AND her fiance died". (P.S. Emily you totally make me think of Holly Madison).
5. It's weird and uncool to say "Can I steal him away for a second"
6. I know it's shocking after 15 seasons, but yes, you will go on group dates, you will see him kiss other women, and there will be crazy bitches in the house. And yes, we know, you've never been in this situation before.
7. Shorter dresses are not always better dresses

1-2-3 Did you just picture Shawtel leaping across the screen into Brad's arms? Riiiiiight.

An early prediction: Emily, Chantal and Jackie (wild card I know) for top 3. We'll see.

Bachelor Recap- Who's Your Daddy?

Who needs expensive therapy when you can just watch The Bachelor? In case you were doubting Brad's reported "self growth", we were given a rare and insightful peak into his very own therapy sessions. Boy if that wasn't breakthrough material then what is? It was almost as cathartic as an episode of Ricki Lake. That therapist (though hot by some standards) was about as legit as Tiger Wood's marriage. I'm sorry but if I hear one more sob story being representative of a "great connection" I'm gonna puke. Ladies, just because you shared some family history doesn't mean he's the love of your life. Or as Ashley S. said, "I can't imagine a more wonderful man to be in love with". HOLY SHIT- it's episode 3 lady. You sang some really freakin bad karaoke and told him about your daddy. Meanwhile ABC producers have set up a nice little date with an appearance from Seal and nice meal you never actually eat because that's tacky to do on camera. That ain't love. Love is when your man can see your whoo whoo spread open like the grand canyon and pop out a baby and still manage to love you and look at you like that wasn't some freak of nature. I guarantee you it's the wine talking.

And Chantal (I really find the pronunciation of her name distracting) you gotta quit with the tears. LIke my sister said, "tears actually make a man feel less sexual". Not exactly a "F#$k me" moment.

Then there was Emily. Sweet sweet Emily. I think ABC was actually playing around with a new title for the show "The Emily and freakin bachelor Show". Best quote of the night, "Emily is like the body of Barbie with the soul of Mother Theresa". Seriously you can't hate her. And apparently Brad is taken with her. Can't blame him. The nurse in me was on high alert during their barn date. As if the lit candles over hay weren't enough, they had to have an open fire as well. I thought for sure that barn was gonna burn. One last thought- was it necessary to put her in a small aircraft? For shit's sake, they love to torture these girls with transportation nightmares!

Well if we talk about Emily then we might as well talk about the evil bitch- MICHELLE! Girl, you are freakin me out. I know the show is edited to make you look a little more crazy (i.e. the horror film sound track every time she is on camera), but for 'ril you gotta tone down the crazy eyes. It just shows you- men love a hoe even if she crazy. Talk to your therapist about that one, Brad. I'm gonna guess she makes it to top 8 then off with her head.

Allie- little confused with her. What's her story? I can't remember. All i know is I was super distracted with her rose ceremony dress. Looked just like a real life Tiffany box. I thought for sure if they did surgery on her a nice little silver charm bracelet would fall out. I bet she shits engagement rings.

Was it me or were there like 10 girls at the rose ceremony you had never seen before? I've got my eye for those few that slide under the radar and end up in slots 2 and 3. Lisa maybe? or Marissa? You never know. Bye bye Madison- you were just the "weird one" in my mind until you popped off your fake incisors on camera and now you are the "weird and disgusting one".

Well that's it for now. Gotta utilize E's naptime well! Leave me some posts- i love to hear your thoughts!

Bach Recap- Happy Fucking Birthday!

Oh my God- it's like the day she was born but like 30 years later. Holy Shit! Alert the presses- it's Michelle's frickin' day yo! I really don't understand why ABC put 14 other girls on her date with Brad. I mean I know it's a reality dating show with 20 women looking to date one guy, but seriously you only have your birthday like what, once a year? For 'ril my two year old can handle her birthday better than this chick. And bitch needs to lose the red lipstick- it ain't workin' for ya.

This episode really goes to the rejects. Seriously 30 minutes of air time on a cat fight that both hoes got thrown off the show? Waste of time. Melissa, stop pulling up your dress and go eat a sandwich. You f'ed up your already piss poor make up job and you look like a freakin' sap who can't pull it together. Chantal- girl I think you were gonna be rejected either way- you just didn't have a "connection", but hey at least you "looked pretty for him". haha- who says that? And Rockette girl (Keltie? Kelsy?)- don't self deprecate in your exit interview. Have you learned nothing from previous seasons? That makes you look so lame. And yeah, I agree, you are meant to be alone- You're super hot with a super hot career and you have exhausted ALL dating venues and have met ALL the men- yup that says old spinster to me. It's like your hair- don't ever give up on it.

Jackie- I like her a little more each time. She's interesting. What kind of art does she do? I don't think it's weird that she's only had 2 serious relationships. She's probably like 24. That definitely doesn't make her Brad Wommack.

Emily- what a cutie pie. Now tell your damn story.

Madison- OMG was the blood not totally appropriate for this vampire! She's freakin nuts. I feel like any minute a pole is gonna pop up on screen and the hooch is gonna freak on it. P.S. vamps are so 2008.

Marissa- She could be an under the radar kind of girl who does well in the end. Or it could be that I liked her headband. Unsure at this time.

Lindsey- Need you to grow a personality. Stat.

Brad- Dude I'm choke if you just hug at every awkward moment. Grow a pair.

Ok one last thought- I really hate the "acting" dates. They are so uncomfortable and terribly weird. That's not how I would ever get to know anyone. And for 'ril- the "roles". Butch girl with a cast?? I'm not following. Looks like we have to watch this mess again next week. Yikes.

Bachelor Recap- Brad oh who gives a f&c$?

Well I have to admit I was more than skeptical at the very idea of bringing back Brad. I was, like most women, pissed that he left two women at the "podium" as he calls it. A whole season of waste- couldn't he date for a month, hit the cover of a few gossip mags and break up with her like the rest of these bastards do. I was also irritated at his slow speech- a little overplayed country boy if you ask me. On the other hand, I've had more than a few good times at one of the bars he owns on 6th street and he isn't terrible to look at. I also figured the producers have a contract out on his testicles if he doesn't propose at the end of this season.

I have to say I was more than entertained at tonight's episode. I missed the first 20 minutes, but thanks to Traci I'm pretty much filled in. I think I'll break this down with bullet points.
* Brad- Ok enough with the humble douchebag act. We get it, you have daddy issues. You've changed. Therapy worked. You want to be happy. Riiiight. I was more than irritated with his "it's ok to hate me, just let me explain" attitude follow by 5 minutes of precious airtime complaining he was so "beat up" by the ladies. I think I see the writing on the wall- it's called "damage control" and it comes from an expensive publicist who is telling you how to be likable. My suggestion- fire your publicist. Get real. Own up to it- you didnt love the chicks. You want a re-do to see if you can trade up a bit. Go for it bro. We'll see if you man up this season.
* Chantal O- (Ok i'm a little rough on the names tonight so forgive if im a bit off- there were 30 of them)- Loved that she slapped him. Somehow, I think that played itself out ok. Normally I'm cringing when they meet for the first time and try to stand out from one another. Something about how hard she slapped made her likable.
* Madison- really? So Brad, you really want to be married and have a family so you select the chick with fangs? hmmm... this is what I call a producer pick. Brad picks the first 12 or so and they throw in a few for candy.
* Michelle- Traci you hit it on the head- Why are all the Michelle's the crazy ones? This one looks like she will produce some interesting episodes. What is her "secret" she has to tell Brad before he proposes? I'm super curious but I'm sure it's something like, "I've had 4 boob jobs".
* Emily- Sweet as pudding. Agree with Traci on this one as well- so want to hate her for her perfect appearance but she's so damn darling I want to be her BFF. (Dont worry traci I wouldnt cheat on you that easy). I'm thinking she may be the commitment phobe one.
* Sarah P- This girl wasn't on camera too much but I sure did like her. She's spunky and totally reminds me of Ashley Frankston. Just fun fun fun and sassy. We'll see if she holds up to her look a like!
*Meghan- Well interesting fact here- she went to HS with my bestie, Ali. Thought her pink shoes were ugly as sin but a clever way to stand out. Not sure why she took them off once she was in the house. Would have liked her to be a bit more confident with them. Ali- what's the dirt on her?
* Jackie- well this one looks like a loose cannon to me. Loved her yellow dress though- super cute on her skin tone. Lord knows, my pale ass could never pull it off.
* That little chick from Kansas- don't know your name sweetheart but sure did love your ruby slippers- clever clever. It's the year of the shoe I suppose. I completely agree with Traci here- it was perfect for standing out till she ruined it by saying "there's no place like home and I can't wait to take you home to meet my family". Wow- dude you just introduced yourself. The Kansas was enough connection for the shoes. I just want to edit these girls sometimes.
* Brit- wonder if she had Brad walk her back out to the car- haha.

Well that's all I can remember for now. It was a good opening. I'm anxious for next weeks episode. What are your thoughts?

Bachelor Pad- Finally a Finale!

Well folks looks like Bachelor Pad has come to a close and not too soon. I'm ready for Bachelor Bachelor- come on Chris L. show yourself!!! Tonight's show, though worthless, did bring some high points of entertainment. I suppose ABC decided to mop up some change on this one and basically advertise for their higher rated Dancing with the Stars. So we were treated to some priceless practice footage of the "couples". Edyta and ElizoVac (as I refer to them)- like watching a bad porn! Dude elizabeth you could not have looked less sexy if you were dressed like Mickey Mouse standing next to Edyta. Girl, get some toner on your hair stat and check your low self esteem elsewhere. WTF?!?! It's so hard to hear her say she wants to help Kovac win and so she will humiliate herself and become a jealous biotch while he dances with this chick who he can't stop drooling over. I literally thought we were going to watch him attempt to impregnate Edyta as he slipped her between his legs. That song from high school kept running through my head, "I feel a little poke coming through"... haha. Tenley and Kiptyn- snoozefest. Natalie and Dave- Do you hava the sex? Haha Dave says "no" and Natalie talks about their odd sexual positions. Hmmm.... Somethings not adding up (perhaps literally). Watching Dave twirl Louis- what to say about that. Louis what was up with the insane amount of back sweat. Again, uncomfortable to watch.
Now to the performances. A little piece of me died with Tenley and Kiptyn and her commands to "smile"- haha Rainbow bright has a GI Joe side! Kinky- wonder if it translates to the bedroom. Can't you see her biting and shit. So the judges, are you shitting me? Jake- fuck off. Seriously can't deal with him. Almost turned this crap off. He actually used the word "transitions". As in you need to transition yourself into a real career you douche. Dave and Natalie- hmm it was like watching two cheetos flitter around the dance floor. Woof.
No surprise with Gia and Wes. Good luck taming that fool. Cya KipTen!!! Go pat yourselves on your back for being a bunch of dorks. Krisily- woah girl you got real bad spray tan and that's saying something if I have to point you out over the rest of the overcooked carrots. Interesting twist at the end- I liked it. Natalie had me going. Maybe she will get her hair fixed now. Well folks, till January.

Monday Night Reality = immorality!

So I don't know about you guys but between Real Housewives of NJ reunion and Bachelor Pad, I felt like I had done something wrong just by watching. It was seriously like Mean Girls exploded. Let's start with Bachelor Pad. At first, I was little curious to see what would come of the "survey". But ABC didn't even sugar coat that one bit. They cut right to it- who's dumbest, who's the worst boob job and finally who's never the bride- are you kidding me?!? Why were the questions so focused on hurting the females? I mean I really hate to dissect these types of shows because I love them and if I really examine them I'd probably realize just how shitty they are to women in general. But seriously, there wasn't even a need to soul search last night. It was just plain wrong. I mean I think I pulled a Kovacs and started to care for Elizabeth when last week I thought she was the spawn of satan with bad hair. If she has the worst boobs I must look like a freak of nature to them (despite the fact that most of them are a bit too orange and have major hair color issues). That being said, my heart broke for Gwen (I have always liked her circa Aaron's season) as well as Natalie. Dude, who didn't party before they got married? Way to go girl- work it till you find it. (She is, however, one who needs to work on her coloring- I'm just saying). I got into a pretty good Tenley discussion this last weekend and I believe last night was the nail in the coffin for her and really solidified an evolving opinion I had of her. She damn near leapt out of her seat when she called it on Gwen being the "dumb" one. Seriously, she's dumb. She shits rainbows, has a whiny voice and lacks any real confidence. She sucks. I had high hopes for this show and to be honest, it's disappointing a bit. Not like I won't watch it, but The Bachelor is probably just a better show.

Onto my Jersey Girls! Now there's some shit flying. I love this cast because they ALL really believe they are the ones who have done NOTHING wrong. I can't stand Danielle (and really every show needs a villain and she's a great one). She's delusional and crazy and looks like she's in a constant state of trying to contain her emotions while putting a hex on someone. But I'm seriously starting to feel sorry for this poor old hag. The other ladies are freaking cruel to her. I mean they strike fast and deep- hit the core every time. Danielle lashes out back and nearly gets eaten by Teresa. That chick needs some meds. She damn near put Andy in a coma. That's a bit too masculine for my tastes. She looked crazy last season with the table flip (though it was a highlight of the season for me) and this year she's look like Ramona from RHONYC with crazy eyes. And dude fess up about the money shit. You are freakin broke. You blew your money on feather boas and marble floors. We know it.

Jacqueline- get a stylist. Red sequin mini halter dress- really? I don't know if I EVER could have pulled that thing off in my lifetime and you certainly shouldn't try at 40. Caroline oh Caroline. Loves her. Mama bear can be for 'ril scary. I like it though- so much attitude and she's usually right. She's getting a bit doctor phil with "OK corral" and "buckle up" expressions every 5 seconds, but hey, it's her. She looked great in royal blue as well. Power color without saying "fuck you" in red sequins.

So I'm dying for next week's episode. Did anyone else think they were hinting at a previous sexual relationship between Danielle and Jacqueline?? Hmm.... I was confused and can't wait to see next week's throw down. Till then I'm off to confession for some repentance after watching all this trash.

Real Housewives of DC- Sparkle edition

Because I just can't leave it alone. Michaele what the fuck?!? Sparkle? Are you shitting me? That's so Rainbow Bright. That was the most awkward 4 second pause waiting for your new horse's name and you come up with Sparkle. I love you how she had her riding pants on for her birthday surprise. As if....

Ok this season seems a bit too delicate to touch on too much. They have the race card, the Brit thing and anorexia already- oh my. Should be a great season. Can't wait to see the White House scandel unfold. That hooch is gonna be entertaining.