Merry Christmas...Bachelor is back!

Looks like we're about ready for our next season of The Bach... Seems like every time I get ready to quit this damn show, something else reels me back in. Though I find Ben to be beyond irritating and a bit of a snooze I suppose I'm still curious to see just what ABC sees in him. I've had my fingers crossed the last several months that nothing short of a miracle would happen and a new bachelor would appear (Prince Harry would be my first pick ;) and at the very least, Ben would cut his hair. But no such luck. Ben is back and it appears has seriously sleezed it up. Previews show a lot of tears (shocker) and at least one skinny dipping session. But none of this really peaked my interest like the people.com article I just read. This little shit just dished on why his date with Jennifer Love Hewitt just didn't do it for him. Not that she is major hot shit or super famous (Ghost Whisperer for 'ril??) but I think you really need to check yo'self. You're a doucher making west coast wine with seriously overgrown hair and extremely questionable style (flashback to tiny white shorts, fedora and lime green tank top). She's just too "hollywood" for you? Woah dude. I'm watching just to see how effed up your ego has become. And of course I'll be blogging some major shit about you. And the best part of all.... this season includes wine!

The Bachelorette- RIP

Thank the Lord we all survived this miserable season. Finale was par for the course in my mind. I was a little nervous at the end they were going to throw us a curve ball with Ben, but low and behold, the bitch has some taste and went with the only one worth looking at- JP. I give them a few months before JP comes to his senses and realizes that Ashley is as insecure and clueless as he thought in Fiji.

So that was a lot of freaking footage in just 24 hours. Started with the Men Tell All which wasn't really much at all. First of all- another cut out dress- gross, I'm over it. Secondly, really would have liked to have seen Bentley represent himself. I mean what could anyone say- he was a total asshole? Correct. So no drama there. I was really thrown off by the fact that ABC felt so defensive of choosing Ashley as the Bachelorette. Was it necessary to bring out 3 previous Bachelors/Bachelorettes to defend "just how difficult it is" to be in that position? Honestly, I don't want to hear it. This show initially started with the concept that even though it's one guy and 25 girls, it's not all that unlike real life (aside from the elaborate dates). Everyone is always trading up and you don't have to be exclusive with someone until you determine that you do. So to act now like this role is so damn difficult is just annoying to me. I don't want to watch this bitch date 25 guys that are selected based upon her requests and ideals and feel sorry for her. You are doing what every other single person is doing to meet "the one" except you get everything paid for including your clothing, housing and a stipend. Poor you? Really? You had to tell someone goodbye at the end of the date? Um, that's life. You don't marry them all. Poor you, you got played. Hey anyone else out there date an asshole? Pretty much can guarantee we have all dated one and all been one to someone. That's life. I really don't feel sorry for her in any shape or form.

Onto the finale- Was it me or did they seriously lack in showcasing Fiji? I thought it didn't look that great. I mean the mud bath date? Really? I kept picturing that scene from the movie Stand by Me with the leaches. Gross. Also it looked like a sweltering humidity filled island to me. No thanks. (side note- I realize Fiji is flippin awesome. I'm merely pointing out this is what they chose for footage). Did anyone else crack up at her family and the use of sweat rags? Seriously ABC? Give the bitches a little shade. Maybe a fan. Shit- i was freakin' sweating just watching this shit. Another point of distraction would be Ben F's apparel. So you fell in love and decided that this would be a good time to really get in touch with your inner stylist? Umm he should really reconsider this if his style consists of neon with a hat that was made for a 5 year old boy. That was just hard to watch. I think he must have got his hands on an American Apparel catalogue and maybe a little shot of tequila for the courage to wear it.

A few other fascinating points- Ashley's sister. Wow Kat Von D's twin sister! What a frickin bitch- I'm with Ashley on this one. Get a grip. You don't have to marry him lady. Why care so much? Carrie and James did a little research on Chrystie (can't stand how she spells that) and it turns out she is a bit of a fame whore herself. She is on the show Extreme Couponers. Perhaps this was her ploy to get a little air time- suppose it worked. I found it ironic she referred to herself as the "rational" one as I'm staring at her Geisha girl tattoo. In what way was she referring to Ashley as being irrational? Hmm. Also found her brother hysterical. I think he was hungover in every shot. But if I were him I would be too. Shit he gets to go all the way to Fiji to discuss his older sister's love life. I'd be hitting the local bars as well.

My big complaint at the end was that Ashley allowed both men to get down on one knee and propose. Even if the producers suggested this or even insisted on letting it happen- you should have been better than that. Have a little fucking decency Ash. Again- she makes it impossible to feel any empathy for her. In addition- I would have much preferred her dress to be strapless.

And finally- After the Final Rose. Well I really f'ed this up. I thought it was recording and when I finally caught up on the DVR I realized I missed a full 40 minutes. I have a feeling that it wasn't really missing much though. So please fill me in- what happened with Constantine and Ben F? Did they say anything interesting or worthwhile?

One final thought- Chris Harrison you look much better with the darker hair. Good choice.

So who's watching Bachelor Pad? I'm sure I'll tune in since there isn't much else on. But I'm really not into these spares. Jake and Vienna? Kasey? Gia again? And Ames, really, why are you doing this show????


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The Bachelorette- Cryin Ryan and a Midriff

Well I thought we had seen it all this season in terms of poor styling, but then BAM there it was.... Ashley's belly button and 4 inches of exposed skin right there in the middle. It was certainly shocking to see this bitch rock a midriff but damn when she wore the second one, I nearly turned the shit off. I'm not saying she doesn't have awesome abs, but I am saying that I'm not quite ready for Kelly Kapowski. All this aside, her hair remains tragic.

The boys:

- Constantine: If I'm honest, I'll tell you I fell asleep for a large portion of this date. I did, however, get to see him turn her ass down. Guess I should respect him for not taking her to the old marriage bed, but frankly I just found him lame.

- Ben F: Seriously, you aren't even kinda a contender for the final rose. You are a dork. The toe kissing scene at the end was bizarre and uncomfortable for me. It wasn't funny. It was gross. Actually I find him a bit painful to watch.

- Ryan: I honestly think that producers did their absolute best to drum up some drama, but is this really the best they could come up with? My thought is this was the only fool they could get to agree to come back. Offered him a little vacation time for a few minutes of humiliating air time and he accepted. What a fool! Solar panel business must be down to be this desperate for a getaway. Surely you didn't honestly think you had a chance with Ashley. I'm gonna call him Shit Smiley from now on. His face just bugs me. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones but I just want to wipe his stupid little smirk across the Great Barrier Reef. Fuck you and your stupid grin. Let me refresh you Ryan. She spent about 3 hours with you, dumped your ass, told you she didn't have that "chemistry" with you and you walked in circles talking to yourself while a tv crew filmed you. Now, go back to her and have at it one last time, but shit- make sure you smile! Sound like a plan? Idiot.

- JP: The clear winner. I'm assuming he doesn't propose on Monday, but they will stay together. I'm sure she is willing to settle for this as she still has zero self confidence. Too bad you didn't take 3rd JP, you would have made a decent bachelor. Can anyone else see him with Emily?

As for the next bachelor, I'm not sure there are any good contenders. I think it comes down to Ames and Constantine. Clearly Constantine failed to connect with viewers and would ultimately be another Ashley trying to run this gig. So I'm gonna guess producers are out on this one. As for Ames, I think he has peaked quite a bit of interest among viewers but I think ultimately as The Bachelor he would be quite awkward and too formal. Makes me think of Jen Scheft. Loved her with Andrew Firestone and couldn't stand her as Bachelorette. My personal vote would be for JP to quickly end things with Ashley and take it on, but I'm super doubtful. Perhaps Emily will sign on? Little Miss I-Hate-the-Spotlight-so-I'm-Here-To-Talk-About-It.

Well for a season that has dragged on and on, the end sure got here quickly. Anyone else surprised to hear the Men Tell All is on Sunday and the finale is on Monday? Guess they want to shoot this horse and put it out of it's misery.

A little side note:
As I read back to my earlier blogs this season, I feel pretty let down in terms of the drama. Once the Bentley fiasco dissolved, I never really attached to any of these douchers and certainly not Ashley. So any attempts this late in the game to draw us back in have been pretty futile. I've read that viewers are down 10% this season and I think that says a lot. Bach fans are loyal SOBs are we not! Most gals and even a few guys (shout out to Matt and James) have one season where we almost fell off the Bach bandwagon. For me, that would be that Borghese tool. Remember the chick with the tiara, Erica?? That season just about made my head explode. I swore I was out for good. But hot damn if that smiley Chris Harrison and a fresh season didn't suck me right back in. This season would have to be a close runner up. Lord knows, I'm an addict. I just can't quit my weekly dose of shit talking and bad reality tv. I know I'll be back next season, but like any paranoid user I'm gonna have my guard up. I have my fingers crossed for Emily, but I'm certainly not banking on it. I definitely feel like if she is unavailable/ unwilling then they need to take a fresh stab at it. Bring me some fresh meat to spoil. Till then, looks like Bachelor Pad will be returning. Who's watching?


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The Bachelorette- Who's still with me?

At this point, I think I'm watching just to see this thing through. I'm in too deep. I'm over committed. Because this is surely not entertaining. I hate to be so down because Lord knows Bach nights are usually my favorite. Let's keep fingers crossed that these next few episodes kick it up a notch. Maybe there will be some serious sister drama and it looks like she gets some sort of special visitor. Hmm... I know, me too. My curiosity is only mildly peaked and this anticipation is greatly a facade.

A few thoughts though:

Constantine: Are you Deanna Pappas' cousin? Felt like deja vu. Greek dancing and all. Also as a side note- I watched this episode on my iPad and the clarity was amazing- he has some seriously bad skin. (shit I think I just got a pimple for writing that, but it's true).

Ames: So long friend. There is something I really like about Ames- perhaps the fact that he reminds me of a bunch of our college friends- that dorky yet intelligent humor. I'm still thinking he might have Apert's (look this syndrome up if you aren't familiar, but don't get mad I said it- Med City friends you totally know you see it too). I think his problem is that he is super stiff. It's almost like you can watch him have an inner dialogue with himself as he moves through "appropriate" responses. "Gently lean in to Ashley and give light hug lasting 2-3 seconds. Swallow drool. Return to upright position" Not exactly F*&K me material.

Ben F: I just can't get on this train. Snoozefest. I'm so glad he got in touch with his emotional side but honestly that just really turns me off. Shut up about it already. Freakin Dr. Phil.

JP: I think he's the clear winner. Pretty dorky little date they had. The one amusing point of the evening was his framed poster of himself at the age of 13. But I can't lie, I would have totally had the hots for him in 1994. Very NKOTB.

Ashley: I had a major problem with her rose ceremony dress- AGAIN! It was a hooker scene from Pretty Woman in a not so pretty woman way.


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The Bachelorette- What a wah wah

If she starts one more episode with, "I'm so happy that this week I have a fresh start with all the guys" I might die. I'm seriously over this girl. She is beyond a train wreck. I just can't hear her say how hard this is one more time. I mean this is like the 15th season. If you don't understand what you are signing up for at this point, then you are a crazy fool. Not to mention you already participated as a contestant just a few months ago. Wah wah wah, poor Ashley. She has so many decisions to make. I can't believe the producers want her to only date 4 guys now. OMG, how on earth will she ever say goodbye to a man she has only spent 4 hours alone with? There could be a connection there. Barf.

Ok she made me do it. She wore those awful skin tight skinny white jeans again that make her like 4 inches tall. I'm going there! Ashley- GET A STYLIST!!! Really, are you going to wear an open backed braless shirt to a sacred temple amongst people praying to their Gods? Have a little class. I swear, I just kept waiting for a strong gust of wind to blow that shit open. And finally, your white prom dress with cut outs to the rose ceremony? I just kept envisioning a sequel to the movie Clueless with a prom scene- this is so something Cher would have worn. Awful, just awful.

I'm also not convinced that the show is literally being sponsored by an Asian tourism company. It's become such a boring season, that they are literally trying to make money on it any way they can. Ashley is now officially part Bachelorette and part tour guide. I love how on every date she gives us some interesting local detail and history as if she has been there before and took the time to plan the date herself. Bitch please, you ain't never seen those fortune telling bricks before in your life. In fact, I bet you had to scribble little notes on your palms to remember your lines.

And finally, was it really that hard to say goodbye to Ryan? What a dork. I'm sure he's a really good guy with great intentions but seriously he does nothing for the lust factor. He's like a male Tenley. Pull yourself together Ash- he ain't it. And as for Lucas- I'm definitely sensing a secret angry asshole side. Douche.

Well of course I have to touch on the Emily interview. I actually felt very little resolution from that interview. In fact, I was a little disappointed. Maybe I just remember liking her so much more than I actually do. I thought she also had a case of the wah wahs. She's usually so spot on with her clothes too that this was also a major let down. The blousy gold top did nothing for her figure and the white skirt or shorts were boring. I liked her trendier, yet classic edgy style we saw with Brad. I got the impression that maybe they weren't quite over. I wouldn't put it past them to get back together. I think she likes the spot light. For someone who complained about it non stop she sure has done a lot of interviews. She's in People like every 5 seconds with a new article. What's the dill pickle? I'm less and less impressed. Maybe she is thinking of staying relative in case she does want to be the next Bachelorette- fingers crossed. You know I would have to watch that.


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The Bachelorette- Ding Dongs in Hong Kong

Seems like Ashley has a new uniform- silky oversized blouse and skinny jeans. The whole episode was like watching a J. Crew commercial. At times, she looked better than others, but I'm just not feeling her style. Seems like every week she is trying a new personality. This week, I thought it was bit mature for her age and if I'm being honest (which we all know I can't help but to be), she seems a little bow-legged in the tight pants. Normally, I think she makes up for her casual looks with her more formal attire, but holy crap I kept thinking of Asian prostitutes with each new dress (think Full Metal Jacket). The white dress with snake eyes and large cut out in the back was the worst- too tight and too short. Same for the glitter number at the rose ceremony. Again, I think it's a stylist issue and perhaps the weather is just really against her hair this season. Not sure... (I can't help but laugh as I reread this while I am personally wearing a Habitat for Humanity t-shirt that is barely covering my basketball belly and flannel floral pajama pants... takes one to know one right???)

So let's dissect this Bentley mess. I'm thinking that the production team finally let Ashley in on some footage of him. She went from choking back happy tears with Chris Harrison to a major chip on her shoulder when she finally sees Bentley. There is no freaking way she just "got it". I mean he was definitely a tool during their "meeting" but he wasn't all that different from any other time she was with him. I am having a really hard time believing that she finally understood he was just looking for a good "vacay" as she put it to him. Major props for the "FUCK you" she threw out to him in her interview. That's the most I've respected her all season.

As for the rose ceremony, I was slightly surprised with the guys reaction to Bentley having been in Hong Kong. I mean you are on a dating reality show competing with 24 other guys for her time and attention. And now you are upset that she had feelings for someone else? Personally, I think it's her delivery. She goes to them and says "I'm so happy to tell you that I'm finally over Bentley". Well I guess I wouldn't react all that well either. But frankly, it was a bit dramatic on Mickey, Blake and Lucas' part if you ask me. Grow a pair boys.

Some thoughts on the boys:

- JP: I believe you are the winner. You will stay together but not propose because you realize this chick ain't stable. I bet you break up by October.

-Lucas: I really started liking him on their date until he became a total sissy at the rose ceremony. I think I see a secret temper (i.e. Brad Womack).

- Ryan: I'm over him. Shit eating grin and all.

- Ames: I'm gonna give you second place. You grow on me a bit more each episode although that elevator scene was super awkward. He's such a dork in a going to be really rich kind of way. So it's hard to see him try to be spontaneous and romantic. He might learn though...

- Ben F: Hmmm you looked like the Kardashian's dressed you for your date. You seem a little too labile for my taste.

- Constantine: Clearly a good vacay for him. I see no connection here.

Who am I missing? Well this is all I can think of for now. I believe she has made some progress this week, but probably not enough to salvage a true and lasting relationship. Hot mess seems to sum her up. Should be interesting to watch.

The Bachelorette- One episode way from a tranquilizer

Well now I'm just starting to feel bad for the producers. They must have been working around the clock trying to make her bullshit remotely interesting. This girl is a fuckin mess. She is an emotional train wreck that has gone from slightly peaking my curiosity to sheer and total boredom. I started the season with high hopes for some good drama and at least a couple hours of entertainment a week. And now I feel like I should be setting up a therapy trust fund for the girl. The fact that Chris Harrison is counseling this chick and saying there is no way for her to have a successful ending at the rate she is going should send alarms flying for her. Let me spell this out for you Ash: When the frickin host of a reality dating show tells you your shit ain't together, you have some MAJOR problems!

So I couldn't help but laugh at all the little oddities and "drama inducing" moments that ABC pushed. It reminds me of this behind the scenes episode I saw on the production of the show "Survivor". Once I saw that they were releasing caged snakes into water and filming it to add that "danger" element, the show was never the same for me. Did anyone else notice the number of stray dogs throughout the show? Must be a Thailand thing or perhaps the staff just travels with their pets everywhere. Ummm, burning the rose after sending William and Ben C. home.... necessary? I think not. And really, a legit Thai fighting match??? These poor douchebags. I think in previous seasons when they have done similar "fight" scenes, it was much more acting and editing. But not so for these boys- they had a good old fashioned ass whooping. It's a basic principle in the entertainment world- bombs, boobs and brawls bring in the audience. Well bombs are ill suited and home girl has no boobs so the result seems obvious.

On to the boys. I'm seriously unimpressed. This probably has more to do with Ashley than anything, but let's be real- none of them give a shit about her. And why should they? She can't get over Bentley. She is extremely insecure. She begs for the truth and seems to have trouble recognizing it when it's staring her in the face. And her hair is beyond irritating to me at this point. Oh but back to the dudes (I digress...)

- JP: Still really like him. I'm not sure why he likes her, but he seems legit. Love how he said "the Jew from Long Island just kicked the Irishman's ass"

- Mickey: Are you seriously still here?

- Constantine: Still can't tell you apart from Ben F. Found your "honesty" irritating. You clearly are enjoying the perks of free travel and booze. But I don't really blame you. Cut your hair.

- Blake: You may be as insecure as she is.

- Ben F: Snooze. Glad you decided to grab life by the horns after years of moping. Good for you. To the rest of the world, that's called Paxil. Cut your hair as well.

- Lucas: Still not really sure who you are. You might be the silent one that comes up to win it. They tend to keep one under wraps to throw us for the loop towards the end.

- Ryan: Wipe that silly little smirk off your face. Shit eating grin.

- William: Good riddance. You also need therapy big time.

- Ames: Like you more and more despite your distracting forehead. (I know that's mean, but hey this is my blog). I have to say I did not mind the pink on you (again forced ABC drama over pant color- stupid). Felt pretty bad for you getting your ass handed to you like that. You seriously should have walked off the set- she's not worth it bro.

- Ben C: Damn! I was rooting for you! So our friend Greg went to Tulane Law with Ben and was an acquaintance of his. So here's a repost of what Greg wrote me about him:

To me, this is hilarious, because I remember him as being really quiet and introverted. Whenever he did talk, he would kind of speak in a nervous, fast way. He is ridiculously good looking (no homo), but otherwise just did not seem like the reality TV show contestant type. He and I didn't really hang out together. He dated another law student for most of the time we were there. She was cool, pretty, outgoing, one of those people everyone liked. His girlfriend and I had some mutual friends so Ben and I ended up in the same bar/at the same party a lot. I thought he was a nice guy. I can't remember anyone saying anything to me about him that was negative. I never heard any rumors about him cheating on her, which is pretty good, given some of the others guys we went to school with. I have no idea why they broke up, and until someone told me he was doing this show I just kind of assumed they had gotten married. His girlfriend and her friends were all superstar students, so I'm sure he made good grades too. I think he works at one of the bigger law firms in New Orleans, so $$$. I am just at a loss for what his motivation would be. Commercial/corporate law can be soul-crushing, so maybe this is his way out.

Well I know I'll tune in next week. At this point I'm committed to the end. I'm no quitter! I'm hoping for some serious Bentley drama but I'm not putting much stock in it either.

The Bachelorette- Snooze Fest 2011

Not even Thailand could perk up this episode. I fell asleep twice watching it. Ashley Ashley Ashley- you need a stylist and a curling iron stat! Who is in charge of adapters here? Clearly the girl is in need of some hair equipment. I realize it's raining but we are talking about national TV. You need to figure out a cute updo immediately. This was unfortunate as well as distracting. Furthermore, I'm not sure who was in charge of her wardrobe but it was tragic! Bright red shorts, wife beater and espadrilles. I'm not feeling the Rainbow Bright ensembles on her. Again, a few modifications and she would have been ok. Twist your hair up, put on a cute blouse and reasonable shoes. She also seems to be a fan of one shouldered over-sized tops. This just screams Victoria's Secret clothing catalogue to me.... except she has no boobs and no sex appeal. Poor thing. I will give her a little credit for the rose ceremony dress- great colors on her and sassy. She also finally fixed her hair. Maybe her luggage had been lost...

I'm finding her to be the equivalent of that Borghese guy in terms of being the Bachelor/Bachelorette. Worthless. Harsh I know but really it's called knowing your limits. She wasn't the right person for the job. The fact that she is stuck on Bentley after only a matter of hours together is just sad. In reality REALITY, how much stock can you even put on the relationship after a whole season on filming? None really. So we're supposed to feel bad for you after you had two group dates with some dude. I think she really has no sense of self and has poor judgement. I mean she goes from settling on a winner in the first 2 episodes to keeping extra guys because she could see herself with any of them. Really? Honestly, I'm impressed none of the guys have jumped ship yet. I guess the fact that they get a bad ass vacation to an exotic location has kept many of them around. I can't believe I'm going to say it, but here goes: She hasn't formed a real "connection" with any of them yet. Frankly, I'm having a hard time telling them apart still. Like Ben F and Constantine- who the fuck is who? They both seriously need a haircut which has become more and more apparent with the humidity. Also, anyone else having a hard time distinguishing between William, Blake and Ryan. Hmm tall white dudes with crew cuts and extremely straight teeth. Bland bland bland like the rest of the season.

One final thought on Ashley- I was terribly annoyed with her reaction to these tsunami orphans. Could she have been more excited about their tragic lives? I mean she was yeeing and hawing that whole segment. They have no parents!!! yippeee! They lost everything! Here's a bike, yay!!!! Don't get me wrong- this was a wonderful thing for ABC to do but Ashley you need to appreciate the situation and check yourself. She's like a short and young version of Ty Peddington (thank God they didn't give her a bull horn).

A couple thoughts on the guys- Ryan... funny watching him be pissed over complaints he was too happy. Ironic. West- oh please! Wah wah wah- just waiting for your 15 minutes of fame. I'm still not sure I believe his wife just happened to drown in the bathtub. You have to be semi- messed up for your mother-in-law to have you investigated for murder. Ben C- where you been dude? I'd like to see more of him and JP. They both seem solid at this point. Which I'm not sure how much that is saying for this season as a whole...

Next week looks great. What the hell could Bentley possibly have to say? Perhaps he wants to cement his celibacy for life by affirming his douchebag nature once and for all. I'll definitely be tuning in.

OH SHIT- The Mavs only Need ONE to Win it

Well why should I care about the NBA finals you ask?? Cause I'm a dumb ass. I'm married to the biggest Mavs fan ever who can't sleep when they win and can't sleep when they lose. It's really an ongoing joke between us since I'm a Spurs fan (well let's be honest, I only watch the games when I have tickets and even then I care more about the dancers and a cold beer... gotta love stadium food). So as play offs were approaching and both the Spurs and Mavs were in, I started teasing Ryan and laughing how they always lose in the most devastating ways. Well this conversation bleeds into another conversation regarding the name of our unborn child (at the time the sex was unknown). So Ryan is suggesting boy names like "Troy Aikman Moody, Emmit Troy, Dirk Troy etc... All based on his two favorite teams the Cowboys and Mavs. So I VERY stupidly say, if the Mavs win the championship you can name our son "Dirk". STUPID!!!!!!!!! STUPID!!!!!!!! STUPID!!!!!! And obviously I wasn't drinking when I said it. I made the worst bet a person could ever make. Here's the other stupid part or could be genius move- a counter bet was never made thereby negating any legitimacy for this bet.

So as the Mavs continued to move forward in the series, I started to get a little freaked about the name situation. I was also freaking about our upcoming 20 week ultrasound. I was more than nervous being the PICU nurse I am. 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 kidneys, 4 chamber heart etc.... were all hiking up the blood pressure and Ryan could tell. I decided this was the time to break his heart and the bet and use all the sympathy I could get. Yup, I did the unthinkable, I re-negged on the bet. Stating I just couldn't risk our son being named Dirk (shit it rhymes with jerk) and that it takes two signatures on the birth certificate, he pretty much caved. So 20 minutes later we found out we were having a boy and I was thanking God I had already called off the bet.

Over the last few weeks, we've finally locked in a real name: Rhett Jameson Moody. Rhett cause it's cool and Ryan and I both like that he and baby boy would have the same "R" to their names and Jameson after my dad, James. And Moody since we think that's the baby's daddy. Kidding....

So what's the big deal right? Only that my entire family and his entire family as well as coworkers, friends and neighbors are all referring to baby as "Dirk". Poor little guy. I think he has found his nickname and I'm not sure any amount of rational conversation or legality of the aforementioned bet are changing anyones mind. So ladies, for your own sake, never ever make a bet on your unborn child's name. And do me a favor, cross your fingers for Sunday's big game- Come on Lebron pull your shit together and kick some Mav ass!

The bachelorette-Bad News Bentley, Your Hair Didn't Look Good

I may be just a nurse, but here's my diagnosis of Bentley (thanks wikipedia):

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person (generally over the age of eighteen years, although it is also found in adolescents), characterized by depth and variability of moods.^{[n 1]}The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, orsplitting; the disorder often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes, as well as chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.

This guy is a real creep. Someone needs to check his dryer for any missing cats. Seriously, I'm thinking sociopath. Everybody has dated a scumbag but this douche is just mean. I think he really enjoyed watching her suffer and that was just plain cruel to watch (albeit entertaining). I feel super worried about his daughter. Poor little Cozy!! (sidenote on the name- did a little research and I think we can all relax on the name thing. Her actual name is Cozette- pretty cute!) So it just clicked for me who Michelle Money is, but she's the little hooch who kept climbing all over Brad last season. So that makes sense to me. Bentley and Michelle are both from Utah and like Carrie pointed out today- crazy attracts crazy. So of course she would know him. I really can't figure out why Ashley didn't listen to her- she's a fool. The worst part, on Ashley's blog today she tells us that this is not the last we will see of him this season- YIKES!!!

So I'm a little torn on Ashley. I feel like she is SO not ready for being the Bachelorette. The girl needs a shit ton of therapy before doing a show like this. She has major issues with self confidence and doesn't seem to have a real grasp of who she is or what she has going for herself. Very skewed self image if you ask me. On the other hand, she totally knew what she was getting into. Shit girl, you were just on The Bachelor! It can't be a surprise to you that not ALL 25 men will want to date you or that they aren't all here for the right reasons. Get a grip! Shit, if I took 5 of my best girlfriends and asked them to agree on one great guy, they never would. Why on earth does she think they ALL need to love her? I get that you are a little nervous that Emily was more popular. She was. She always will be. But you aren't a loser. Embrace what you got and know what you like. Be real. Do you really want to marry a man that had to wear a mask around you for the first 7 days? Or do you really see yourself with a stand up comedian for a husband while you run your own dental practice? I mean I don't think I'd want to spend my life with a man who just told national television just how flat my boobs are! It's ok to say "you ain't it". She's so freakin open that she makes herself an easy target. Frankly, I find it immature. And for the record, you didn't love Bentley or Brad. You probably just really wanted to F*$A% him! Yeah I said it. And most of us have been there. But girl, that ain't love. That's hot sex.

Honestly, this season is one fat train wreck. It's going to be a season of watching this little sweet pea fall apart and try to pick herself back up. It's hard to even address the other contestants at this point. Clearly, it doesn't matter. I can't see her being in a good relationship any time in the near future. She's got some work to do. I think there are some great guys for her but she's truly incapable of seeing that at this point. The fact that she saw herself with Bentley in the end with only 1-2 group dates under her belt is scary. The girl is a fool. Bentley should be shot. Here's a picture of his ex wife, Suzette (hmm... Cozette and Suzette???) Yeah, I see the Emily resemblance for sure. What a creep. The sad thing is, some other hot mess will totally fall for him. And to whoever that girl is.... you were warned!

Suzette the ex!

The Bachelorette- That Reminds me....

As I finally caught up on last Monday's episode, all I could think was, "you know who that guy reminds me of".... So here's a few examples:


Jason Schwartzman & Stephen

Eddie Haskell + Jake Pavelka = William

Ben F is Pedro (Napoleon Dynamite)

I could go on but Ryan told me that a few these were just too mean. So call me and I'll reveal my mean girl self.

Well this week's episode was even more difficult to watch than the first. I couldn't have felt more awkward watching that stupid fake wedding. Seriously??? Who is coming up with their dates? She/he should be fired. I have to admit, I was a little hopeful that one of those Belagio fountains was going to knock Ash and Will on their ass. But as for "romantic", I think not. Actually, I think having dinner in the middle of that pond off the Vegas strip with tons of people watching me stuff my face and make out with a real douche would pretty much be my personal hell. But as they say, one man's trash... another's treasure.

Well silly me. I thought I was through the tough part of the show until I had to watch 12 fools prepare a skit and dance routine. Woof. As many of you know, I hate any episodes that require these fools to perform. So dancing while wearing a phantom mask is pretty much nails on a chalkboard. Ashley could you be any more enthusiastic? I mean she is friggin lovin this shit. She eats this phony shit up with a spoon. She's clapping, whooping and flat out drooling over these guys. I really don't get it. Put your t-shirt back on, lace up your shoes and remember that one day when this is all over you are going to have to maintain some kind of credibility for yourself before you drill into someone's tooth.

A few last thoughts:

Mickey- I flipped a coin and you suck. There's just something about him that really bugs me. Could be that he looks totally different to me when he changes angles in just the slightest. Could be that he incessantly sucked at his teeth as homegirl tried to give him a rose.

West- Did you all read the People.com article I posted on FB? He has a real serial killer appeal now. Interesting... Maybe the mask man will really piss him off and we can see his dark side.

Jeff- Dude ditch the mask. This is definitely one of those producer picks. I wonder what would happen if we put him in Madison's fangs.

Ames- I'm really distracted by your large forehead.

Ben C.- So Ryan's friend Greg Burton went to law school at Tulane with Ben. Hoping for some insider information stat!!!! I think I like this guy but he seems to have a little nervous babble. We shall see.

William- Kind of like this guy but wish he would tone down the impersonations. Little grating to watch. And if I may be so tacky.... what's the old W2 gonna look like at the end of the year with a cellular phone sales job? Pardon me, I believe he referred to it as "connecting communications".

The good news is, a new episode is just 48 hours away!!!

The Bachelorette- Guts, Nuts and Cupcakes

Where to begin.... there's always so much to say about the first episode of a new season. I suppose there is no better place to start than with the lady herself, Ashley Hebert. I have to say, she about hit the nail on the head in terms of my expectations. She's no Emily. She knows it, ABC knows it and I know it. They tried to glam her up at the After The Final Rose and did a pretty good job. I liked the hair color, the swept bangs and loose waves. But shit, home girl just can't keep it up. Last night, she looked disheveled and short in a swanky gown that was too grown up for her. I swear, if she licks her teeth one more time, I might die. I'm wondering is she worried she has food stuck in her teeth or has lipstick smears... she is lacking in terms of lips so maybe this is a constant battle for her. But your best solution would be a mirror. She reminds me of those snotty kids who continuously lick around their mouth. Admit it- you know exactly what I'm talking about. Frankly, I think she is a DNA copy of Trista Sutter mixed with the "i'm short and cute" attitude of Jillian Harris. Last night I was irritated with all the squealing and giggling. It was just all too much. I think the irritation is up today after learning that Brad and Emily have OFFICIALLY called it off. Damn- could have been so much better with her. I feel like ABC realizes they were in a pickle- sort of had to choose Ashley. So they have compensated by adding a shitload of tools this season. And you know what, I like it! That's some summer tv! I'm a little off the Bachelor train right now. Honestly, I'm pissed about Brad and Em. He's such a dick for f'ing it up with her that right now I don't think any of these fools should find love. So bring on the hot mess of emotions.

Every season, it gets harder and harder to watch the first introductions. I am litterally curled up in a ball in my bed and forcing myself to watch these horribly awkward encounters. If it wasn't for my current lime sherbet addiction I'm not sure I would even be able to pull my head out from under the pillow (hey it's my wine for the next 5 months!). I think in the future any dude who decides to pick you up and put you on his shoulder or do a tango with you upon his initial meeting should immediately be asked to leave. In fact, she should throw the rose at his face. It's not clever. It's not sexy. It's rude. Put her shiny, happy ass back on the floor.

Ok let's do a quick review of some stand outs. I'm horrible in the beginning with names, so bare with.

JP- Early front runner in my mind. Super hot and for some reason, i'm digging his shaved head. I even liked the cupcake story he told till she ruined it with her fantasy of being called "cupcake". Really Ash? You want to admit that? I may not be able to let that go.

Ben- He reminds me a bit of Frank from Jillian's season. I think he's pretty cute (maybe a bit much jaw but rather too much than too little). I thought the message board was a little hoaky but hey, I love Love Actually- well played my friend.

Constantine- I'm seriously distracted by his name. I really can't hear anything he says when his name pops up on screen.

West- Love his name (yes I'm very stuck on names based on my current situation). His story was gut wrenching. Very relieved she picked him. I'd like to see that play out. Obviously we know from Emily, that a widow goes far in terms of ratings- no offense West.

Dude who threw the guitar- clever... not sure how I feel just yet about him. Makes me laugh a little thinking of Wes from Jillian's season. Really kind of wish he threw Ashley in the pool though instead of the guitar though- really Ash? You can't wait to be serenaded? Maybe it's just me.... I hate that kind of attention.

Jeff- The Masked Man. Ok I really kind of hate this crap. He's a real "let me be the center of attention by being as invisible as possible" kind of guy. Normally, we see this with girls who are crying in the bathroom. "Don't pay attention to me... wah wah wah". On the other hand, I'm fine with his reasoning and calm demeanor. Hey why not get to know him? But all this was before I realized he continues to wear the mask into the following days. Seriously? I'm also curious, can she see his picture back in the "decision" room? Then that's just stupid.

Bentley- Normally I would hate this guy. I think I have a lot of potential to hate this guy. But at this point, I think it's sheer drama and that's what I'm looking for. If I wanted to see normal and healthy I'd turn on reruns of 7th Heaven. He is hot- great hair. Definite douchebag who was on drugs when naming his child Cozy. Maybe they were roomates with Apple Martin or Blanket Jackson at the hospital. I think I'm going to have a hard time feeling sorry for Ashley in the end knowing she was warned in grave detail about this guy. And if that didn't do it for you Ash, you know he named his daughter Cozy. Beware. In the spirit of Oprah's final week, I'll share with you all a piece of advice she frequently quotes, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them". O what will we do without you?

And finally, Tim- hmm not sure what to say. Tim if I were you, I think i'd get an attorney. For any of my lawyer readers... could he sue ABC for over-serving him and then using footage to make a complete mockery of him? I really felt bad for the dude. Did she really need to get 6 men to help her get him out to the car? But to Tim, you need to check yourself fool. I know you're nervous, but really? Ask yourself, should you be working in the liquor industry?

Quote of the night- "It takes guts and nuts!"- some dude in reference to "stealing" Ashley away.

Well I think this promises to be a season of entertainment. Ashley I wish you luck. You may even find love. But if you do, it will be despite all odds. I really think ABC has set up every obstacle and drama possible in the name of ratings. GIrl, listen to your gut. You have already hinted to us that you are lacking some confidence and felt like viewers really wanted to see Emily- I think you are right and for that, I feel for ya.

P.S. I'd like to take my blog a little further in the future, so please feel free to repost a link to it on your FB pages or blogs. Thanks!

Bach Recap- Before the FINAL rose

Ok who's pumped? I can't wait for next week's show. I have been certain it was Emily and I still maintain that it is, but I have to say that my sister definitely put some serious doubt in my head this weekend. She brings up an excellent point. Brad does seem to say often that he feels so comfortable with Chantal. And maybe they have downplayed their relationship a bit to throw us off a bit. Who knows? I think it's gonna be good.

As for last night's episode... I'd say it was hard to watch. I have to admit, I even started to feel for Michelle. I do think she was a bit misunderstood. Her sarcastic and dry humor is hard to pick up on in short segments and clips and I think it did make her to be the villain. One thing that was not said though, was how sexual she was. And let's face it- this is what really pissed off the women. It wasn't that she made fun of them or told Brad she thought they should be sent home, but that she was turning this ABC primetime show into a late cinemax flick. Shit, I wouldn't want some hooch up on my man either. P.S. Was it me or is Chris Harrison totally in love with her?

So while I think Michelle recovered some fans, I think Stacey did some serious image damage. Slow yo' roll lady. No need to knock Michelle's parenting skills. Does she not have a right to "find love" just because she has a child? How come no one is saying anything to Emily? I did read on people.com that she got serious criticism for her boob job and that this part wasn't aired. Interesting.

Jackie Jackie Jackie. The spider analogy? Creepy? Really- let's save that for child predators. It's a little overkill with Michelle. I think what you were trying to say was that just because you are the least sexual person on the show doesn't mean you didn't have a "connection" with Brad. Clearly, you were jealous of Michelle's inhibitions. Too bad too because you didn't need to be. You were fine just the way you were. Now put the claws away and go back to being a lady.

Ashley H- I personally loved the new hair on her. I know it was controversial for some of you, but I thought the darker color really matched her and I loved the bangs- really framed her face. Well done gal- you seemed comfortable in your skin. Thought your hug for Brad was a little much and I was worried I was going to see your cooch at any moment. Otherwise, well played.

Ashley S- girl, why you still crying on camera? You need a BFF to set you straight. That and a good girl's night out with a few tequila shots. Let it go, you weren't meant to be HIS wife.

Melissa and Rachel- Really? Really??? Seriously bored with their 10 minutes of stupid drama. Neither of you were right for him because you don't have the common sense to not cat fight on the first episode. Duh!

Shawntel- did I miss it? Did they even talk to her?

Best part of the show was the out-takes. I always think those are hilarious. It was funny to see that silly side of Brad- I liked him so much more once I saw him singing, "Let me ride that donkey donkey". Brought back so many high school memories for me!! Also he finally seemed to match up with the man I envision owning Chugging Monkey.

One last side note- did you all catch that glimpse of Peyton and Chris L. on the Bachelor Pad party??? L-O-V-E LOVE them!!
Okey dokey- finale watching party next monday at 7!!!! Be here or be square!

Bach Recap- Would Mandela be proud?

Has the man never been to a zoo? I mean not to be too unimpressed with South Africa (Lord knows I'd love to go), but really? You've never seen a lion or a giraffe? I realize it's "the wild" (ie. an open space of land where animals are likely fed so that paying tourists can see them in their natural states), but obviously it's seriously staged. If that's not staged, then I'm really wondering what type of waiver they had to sign in order to eat lunch at the lion's watering hole. I'd need more than one guide with one gun. Also, since the safari was a bit staged, were they trying to compensate with authentic worm food. Gross.

I'm not quite sure why we are even bothering with these last few episodes. It's clearly Emily. If it's not clearly Emily then Brad should seriously be placed in some high security zones because I believe he could be stoned by loyal watchers. And in case some of you weren't sure, I'm pretty certain the "I'm falling in love with you too" should be a rather big tip off. In fact, I feel sorry for the guys in editing who have to try to make it look like there is some question that Emily might not be it. On the flip side, we have to consider that Brad tends to make the exact wrong choice when it comes down to it. So we'll see if his "therapy" has paid off.

Well was anyone else as confused as me with Ashly? Seems like she shut down with the rather obvious questions. For example, "where do you want to live?" I mean really sweetheart? Somewhere warm? Hmmm nothing says interested in a man like describing the climate you'd like to live in. No surprise here that she had to go and sabotage the whole thing. I believe she wants to be the next bachelorette and she's paving the way for that possibility. I don't see her being a good fit for this. Too hyper for my tastes. I really didn't understand all her flapping around when she saw the helicopter. It's like her body was saying "exciting" and her mouth was saying "kill me". Very toddler like. Well see ya Ash.

So March 14th- finale watching party at my house! Who's excited? MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Bach Recap- Emily. Hands down. Emily.

Home girl has this thing in the bag. She's perfect. What's not to like? My previous concern was that she wouldn't fall for him in the end, but seems like she's pretty taken this week. Ok let's talk about what's important here- her digs. Dude I wanted a full on tour. Could little Ricky's playroom have been any cuter? Loved the shabby chic thing. She must have hit bank when homeboy died (God rest his soul). So she's 24 and has a 5 year old and is this cute and put together? Puts me to shame. You go girl. Sometimes when you can't beat it, follow it. And Em, I'm a follower. Winner- no doubt in my mind.

Shawntel- hmm. What to say? Maybe laying him on the dead person embalming table was a bit much. I mean I understand you want him to appreciate your line of work. I can certainly relate. But you don't see me putting a cath in my husband's wee wee. Also, I think if you just did that new bob that Jennifer Anniston just did to her hair, it would be perfect on you (you can see pics on People.com). On a final note, I liked that you left without tearing him apart but you didn't have to gravel and put your tail between legs. There are other men out there that are kind and respectful- living ones at that!

Ahsley- Let me start with one major annoyance- French Canadian- Everyone who knows me, knows I love all things French. But that nasal French Canadian accent just really gets under my skin. It's the equivalent of a strong midwestern accent to me- dontcha know? Anyhoo- I do have a sensitive stomach, but really that Putsin (sp??) made me want to vomit. Then you feed it to him- really? Nasty. Get that cheesy gravy mess off camera. That line from Pulp Fiction just kept playing through my head "They fuckin' drown it in that shit" (referencing french fries and mayonnaise). Wolf. Ok moving on- Ashely you were like a 10 year old seeing Justin Bieber in person. Calm down. Get your hormones in check and try not to make a baby in front of your whole freakin family. And Brad you felt comfortable here? I'm so confused. I felt like he was sitting in Sarah Palins cousin's living room. Freaky. You'll be gone next week when he discovers you are still in training bras.

Chantel- Love Seattle. Didn't love your clothes. Really you couldnt run into Banana and get a cute blouse? Did you just have your thyroid worked on- is that why you wore that scarf? Seriously distracting. But again, loved your digs and your parents. Very different from my own taste, but unique and cool. I think she'll definitely be final 2. Might be hard to watch her lose- I've grown to like her. Side note- as Traci has mentioned to me, rose ceremony dress too tight and not your color.

I'm thinking it's Emily in the end. If it's not, she'll be the next Bachelorette. If she does win, I'm not really seeing any other good contenders for this role. Thoughts?

Bach Recap- Ding Dong the witch is dead!

Adios MicHELLe! Looks like Brad has come to senses and the blood flow has returned to his other head! I was really starting to doubt this fool, but low and behold he pulled his head out of his ass and wised up. Almost hate to see the drama go. I have feeling she may not show for the "Before the final Rose" epsiode- Wes style. Smart of her to lay down and play dead in the back of the limo- probably the only way she knows how to ride in one... hoe. Anyhoo-they whole "group date" was awkward and weird. I would say to ABC that when you're down to 6 gals, group dates are a waste.

Brit Brit- As Ali has pointed out, homegirl needs to eat a sandwich or as Ryan said, "two". Poor thing didn't have a chance. And everyone knew it. So he takes her up a cliff that obviously was not OSHA certified. Gotta love Caribbean waivers. By the way- hoisting my body up a rock wall only to jump off and get the worlds biggest wedgie all while a camera shoots from below (my worst angle) is absolutely my worst nightmare. No wonder they had Brit Brit do this date- no other bitch was willing. That date was just hard to watch. He really had her leave on a dingy- really? Can't you just see the producers standing around, "cue the dingy.... lift anchor". AWKWARD. And why did he make her swim to the yacht if there was a dingy the whole time? Maybe it was her idea- that probably burned a good 112 calories. She probably ate a WHOLE apple for breakfast. Sorry chickita. What I would like to see is her come back for the reunion episode with some toner in her hair, 12-20 inches cut off the locks, 10 lbs gained and a cute fitted dress- holla girl!

Chantel O.- sweetheart you are killing me. I think she will really be devastated when things don't pan out with her and Brad. My heart may break a little when it comes. I'm going to give her 2nd- 3rd place. I don't see her winning but I could be wrong. Such a pretty face- love when she lets her hair have some natural wave. Needs a better bikini but all is not lost. I'm sooooo pissed cause I bought Ryan apple TV for our anniversary (Romantic huh?) and he was messing around with all the wires while I was watching and of course he disconnects my show "on accident" he claims. So I missed a good 3 minutes of the photo shoot scene cause u-verse had to reboot for 2 and I had to lecture ryan for 1. haha- so that's what we have come to after 7 valentine's together :)Don't think I missed too much though.

Ashley- honestly she still bores me. She's too grateful for every bit of attention from Brad. She had every right to be pissed at him and his shenanigans and then gets all retraction-y when it irks him. So he awards her with a rose??? Girl, this relationship will never work. You gotta be real. Mandy I think you hit this one on the head last week- he is getting mad when the girls get mad he is dating other women- it's a natural reaction Brad!! Let me make a side note here- I think jealousy too early is weird- girls you know what you signed up for- duh! But when we get down to these smaller numbers, I think it's only natural to have the winds shift a bit. Ash, next week may be your last. 3rd at best.

Shawntal- I like her. A bit hippy dippy and that's right up my ally. She is trying a bit hard, but hey you probably should if you want the man. I was a little taken aback with the featured performer- "MOST TALENTED IN ALL OF ANGUILLA"- wow showstopper. Awkward scene with the handful of white people acting like they knew the song- clearly they didn't fit. I bet if we looked close enough, Chris Harrison's wife was there- haha- too many island mojitos. Next week's date looks promising- I think they are trying to throw us off with the "death" thing. I think he's going to like that she is different and that will excite him. I'm gonna put her in the top two.

Emily- Oh Em, it looks like you come around next week and show sweet little Ricky. No surprises that she won't like her new daddy. My guess is they will decide it takes time to build a relationship and that a new kite won't quite buy her love. I'm still putting her in top two position. I'm gonna guess he doesn't propose to her because he doesn't know for sure she will accept- enter next Bachelorette.

Well we shall see how this all plays out- these next few episodes are always my favorite. So next week is final 4 hometown dates. Then do we do a final 3 to Brad's hometown? Then Before the Final Rose. Then finale. If this order is correct, then I'm gonna say finale on March 14th! Come on over- maybe we can put some money on this one. Hopefully Reality Steve won't ruin our game. Love to hear your feedback and thoughts.... holla at me!

Bach Recap- Projections and Rejections

I'm certainly no shrink, but if tonight wasn't one giant projection from one person to another then Oprah ain't the queen. Let's start with Allie. I mean could that have been any more awkward? They're sitting at a sinking table in a pool of semen infested hot springs as she is describing a past relationship that exactly describes her current relationship with Brad. They couldn't have scripted that better if they tried. This girl seriously made me laugh tonight. First of all, did they put on her a miniature horse or is the girl Amazon woman? I couldn't stop laughing- I thought the horse was gonna buckle any second. And why were there two ponies following them? I honestly considered that they might have been back up for Allie's horse *See footnote. And she damn near killed me with the bug phobia. I have to relate a little to her fear myself, but did she have to throw her glass at a beetle? Priceless.

Next major offender of the night- micHELLe- I do believe she described Chantal as "egotistical". Well if that ain't calling the kettle black? And can anyone say INSECURE???? Really, you had to map it out for Brad- shit maybe she is actually the producer of this whole thing and I just didn't realize it. Brad you better back away now. I'm pretty confident this bitch has you by the balls. I'm not sure a little punishment last place rose is gonna teach this chick anything. Two things really bother me about this girl: (1) Ok I'll say it. I'm not sure she is here for the right reasons- ha. But it's true. I'm really not sure why she even likes Brad. I think she wants to control him and win. That's so season 1-14. (2) She thinks she's so damn cute on her side interviews. I mean she really seems pleased with herself after she says things like "i just really wanna go home and F*&K him. *giggles* I mean I'm just not sure how else to say it". Wow- mother of the year.

Chantal O- I like her. She cheered up a bit this episode for us. I thought the whole "I love you" was a bit soon, but I gotta give it to her for playing her cards well. Really didn't like her rose ceremony dress. Made her a bit boxy and she otherwise has a cute figure.

Ashley- Hate to still see you here. I don't see the appeal. Pardon me, "connection".

Shawntel- Like her a lot too. The silent game was a little odd. Reminded me of a really awful 7th grade teacher I had that wouldn't talk to us for 3 days (Huhndorf- for any of my fellow IKE classmates). Otherwise, I think I'd be friends with this girl myself.

Jackie- Girl, I really liked ya at the get-go. Kinda let me down with the mellowdramatic descent down the water fall. That is until I couldn't stop laughing as the waterfall completely kicked your ass- HILARIOUS. No worries chickita- you did more than I could have or would have for Brad. You'll do well on shows like Bachelor pad and other ABC reunions- Brad was too regimented and serious for you.

Brit- I'm sorry, who are you? Please eat a french fry. She reminds me of this perfume I used to like when I was about 10 (before my mom would let me have the real stuff)- I believe it was called Petite Natee. She seems kind of tween-ish to me. Like make up doesn't settle well on her unless it has glitter. I swear she is going to use a crimper in next week's episode. Cotillian vs. prom. Limited too vs. The Limited. Fake id vs not fake id. etc etc etc...

Emily- Oh girl, I think I may see the cards about to fold. Let's hope not. I'll still put her as a front runner (who wouldn't) but that whole "sabotage" comment and the preview next week where she may or may not let him meet her daughter... Oh Lordy. Could be the beginning of the end. Or perhaps as the next Bachelorette. Only time will tell.

OK am i missing anyone? Don't think so. Let me hear your thoughts this week. Looks like we can nail down a finale night soon- so get ready to mark your calendars. Special thanks tonight to hubby Ryan for running downstairs to get my power cord for the old mac. Time to save for an iPad. I should get some advertisers in here for my 14 followers. Ha!

**Just to be clear- I don't feel as though Allie is a big girl. This is more a reflection on the poor planning of producers to give a tall woman a small horse. Also, please note, no horses were harmed in the making of this production.

Bachelor Recap- Brad on a Mission

I just about died during his therapy session when they referred to this "experience" as Brad's mission. Seriously? Who knew finding love was like finding Bin Laden or launching a space craft? Those kind of buzz words really get to me. Allow me to add to the list for a moment:
-connection
-"here for the right reasons"
-special
-journey
-catty
-"steal him for a moment"
Ok just had to get that off my chest.

I heard an interview from Chris Harrison regarding the awkward date location for Emily. He basically copped right to it- it made for great tv. And that it did. That girl handled it like a champ. If you ask me, it was the right amount of tears and hope. Like she said, one lap for Ricky and one for her. Well said. This girl should be a tv host. She can do no wrong. Loved her turquoise cover up and how she said, "I'm normally a lot of fun". Haha- it's like ABC is trying to break this bitch down. Way to go Em- you're a trooper. My prediction is Brad totally falls for her but in the end, she leaves the show. Definitely next Bachelorette. But since I can't go so lightly on any girl- I have to confess.... the whole "Ricky" thing totally makes me giggle inside thinking of Talladega Nights. Sorry- had to do it. See, I even feel guilty making fun of her and I don't even know her- points for you girl!

Shawntel- still confused a bit by her. I really like her one minute and the next I think she is extremely socially awkward. She needs to seriously try to "style" her hair at some point. And really- that's the Fendi bag you chose? 5 grande on that old carpet bag? On the other hand, loved how she ate her dinner (ON CAMERA) while discussing how to embalm a dead dude. That just speaks to the nurse in me :)

Chantal- I really wish he had sent you home. I used to like you but all you do is cry cry cry. And it looks like that's all you are going to do in upcoming episodes. Get a grip!

Michelle- There is absolutely NO excuse for the zebra print dress you wore! You obviously aren't making any friends in the house, otherwise, one of them would have had the balls to tell you to change. P.S. Trying so hard to be sexy and domineering merely makes you desperate and domineering. Lord help us all with this one. You drive me nuts Michelle, but I would be sad to see your drama go.

Allie- So you don't feel special huh? Well looks like you cried enough tears to get Brad to pity you enough to bring out an odd little dessert. Lucky you. Feel better? I bet you last one more week.

Ashley and Ashley- I still can't figure which is which. You are interchangeable to me. They were a real snoozefest of besties. I bet these two have a freaky side though. Can't you just see them appearing on Bachelor Pad and being drunken sorority girls? Also, I hate that type of date- neither is good at acting or acrobats and yet we are forced to watch this crap. The one redeeming factor... Brad in those hideous shorts- hahahaha. I had to pause it and call in Ryan to take a look at that shit.

No surprises at the rose ceremony as far as I'm concerned. Still don't even know the ladies he sent packing- good last ditch effort though Marissa- if you had had a personality, I think you might have had a shot. I'm not really getting the Brit connection- especially with her Heidi of the mountain braid. Hmmm... we'll see how long she makes it. I can't really see a home town date with her- it might be weird for Brad to meet the folks and sheep and goats and cattle etc.

Till next week...

Bachelor Recap- I Feel Special

Tonight's recap HAS to start with the overwhelming crazy bitch of the house- Michelle. Wow a black eye? Surprise surprise. Seriously what is going on in her head? Maybe she has been using that brazilian blow out too much on clients and the formaldehyde has gone to her head. I have a few thoughts on that black eye- every hear of Munchausens? Bitch will stop at nothing to get attention. I guess you can only pull the birthday card once every 365 days. I have a feeling she's actually used it about 40 times in her life (not 31). I'll also go so far as to say I bet she's actually a repelling coach back home- that bitch ain't afraid of heights. She just watched Jake's season and saw that other crazy bitch win a man over a little fear of heights. Some people call that a smart play, I call her crazy. Ain't no freakin' way home girl got a mystery black eye in her sleep and just happened to get a one-on-one date. Those producers did a little consultation with the corporate lawyers and figured they better give her a little Brad time before she up and kills one of those other crazy bitches. And lady, lay off the testosterone- using the sumo elbow and right hook on camera is straight up manly and tacky. It ranks right up there with chewing gum on camera. Glamour don't.

Let's move on to the group date. I know Brad believes Dr. Drew's (aka the doctor for celebrity rehab- hmm...) is the perfect spot for everyone to open up and reveal their true self- I believe he used the term "safe place", but I'm not sure public radio is exactly where I would reveal my inner demons. And I'm still not quite sure what clarity he gained from this experience. I found it to be a lot of "I'd like to get to know you better" bullshit. And in true ABC fashion they decided wind down the evening in none other than..... a hot tub! This whole scene lost me- I'm not quite sure how they went from therapy to hot tub, but whatever. It was a little too Hippy Hollow for me. I could swear they were passing around a peace pipe. Well I guess it's only fair to mention the other crazy bitch now- Ashley. Hmmm... she's like my toddler- you teach her how to act by reinforcing the behaviors you do want to see. And obviously Brad is new to parenting. Were you seriously going to reward her whining with a rose? At least he pulled himself together at the last minute and went with Brit Brit (ok girl we get it, you're intimidated- next week you are gonna need something real to discuss with him- oh and a haircut).

Ok I feel like I need to lay out a few reminders and tips to the ladies:
1. Right answer: "I feel excited to be here"
2. Wrong answer: "It's just so hard to watch you date other women"
3. Crying crying crying, Chantal stop it! You're too cute to do that. (also see #5)
4. Sorry ladies if Emily is in your season- you just can't beat that. I can actually see them saying, "Wow she's so lucky- she's so beautiful AND her fiance died". (P.S. Emily you totally make me think of Holly Madison).
5. It's weird and uncool to say "Can I steal him away for a second"
6. I know it's shocking after 15 seasons, but yes, you will go on group dates, you will see him kiss other women, and there will be crazy bitches in the house. And yes, we know, you've never been in this situation before.
7. Shorter dresses are not always better dresses

1-2-3 Did you just picture Shawtel leaping across the screen into Brad's arms? Riiiiiight.

An early prediction: Emily, Chantal and Jackie (wild card I know) for top 3. We'll see.

Bachelor Recap- Who's Your Daddy?

Who needs expensive therapy when you can just watch The Bachelor? In case you were doubting Brad's reported "self growth", we were given a rare and insightful peak into his very own therapy sessions. Boy if that wasn't breakthrough material then what is? It was almost as cathartic as an episode of Ricki Lake. That therapist (though hot by some standards) was about as legit as Tiger Wood's marriage. I'm sorry but if I hear one more sob story being representative of a "great connection" I'm gonna puke. Ladies, just because you shared some family history doesn't mean he's the love of your life. Or as Ashley S. said, "I can't imagine a more wonderful man to be in love with". HOLY SHIT- it's episode 3 lady. You sang some really freakin bad karaoke and told him about your daddy. Meanwhile ABC producers have set up a nice little date with an appearance from Seal and nice meal you never actually eat because that's tacky to do on camera. That ain't love. Love is when your man can see your whoo whoo spread open like the grand canyon and pop out a baby and still manage to love you and look at you like that wasn't some freak of nature. I guarantee you it's the wine talking.

And Chantal (I really find the pronunciation of her name distracting) you gotta quit with the tears. LIke my sister said, "tears actually make a man feel less sexual". Not exactly a "F#$k me" moment.

Then there was Emily. Sweet sweet Emily. I think ABC was actually playing around with a new title for the show "The Emily and freakin bachelor Show". Best quote of the night, "Emily is like the body of Barbie with the soul of Mother Theresa". Seriously you can't hate her. And apparently Brad is taken with her. Can't blame him. The nurse in me was on high alert during their barn date. As if the lit candles over hay weren't enough, they had to have an open fire as well. I thought for sure that barn was gonna burn. One last thought- was it necessary to put her in a small aircraft? For shit's sake, they love to torture these girls with transportation nightmares!

Well if we talk about Emily then we might as well talk about the evil bitch- MICHELLE! Girl, you are freakin me out. I know the show is edited to make you look a little more crazy (i.e. the horror film sound track every time she is on camera), but for 'ril you gotta tone down the crazy eyes. It just shows you- men love a hoe even if she crazy. Talk to your therapist about that one, Brad. I'm gonna guess she makes it to top 8 then off with her head.

Allie- little confused with her. What's her story? I can't remember. All i know is I was super distracted with her rose ceremony dress. Looked just like a real life Tiffany box. I thought for sure if they did surgery on her a nice little silver charm bracelet would fall out. I bet she shits engagement rings.

Was it me or were there like 10 girls at the rose ceremony you had never seen before? I've got my eye for those few that slide under the radar and end up in slots 2 and 3. Lisa maybe? or Marissa? You never know. Bye bye Madison- you were just the "weird one" in my mind until you popped off your fake incisors on camera and now you are the "weird and disgusting one".

Well that's it for now. Gotta utilize E's naptime well! Leave me some posts- i love to hear your thoughts!

Bach Recap- Happy Fucking Birthday!

Oh my God- it's like the day she was born but like 30 years later. Holy Shit! Alert the presses- it's Michelle's frickin' day yo! I really don't understand why ABC put 14 other girls on her date with Brad. I mean I know it's a reality dating show with 20 women looking to date one guy, but seriously you only have your birthday like what, once a year? For 'ril my two year old can handle her birthday better than this chick. And bitch needs to lose the red lipstick- it ain't workin' for ya.

This episode really goes to the rejects. Seriously 30 minutes of air time on a cat fight that both hoes got thrown off the show? Waste of time. Melissa, stop pulling up your dress and go eat a sandwich. You f'ed up your already piss poor make up job and you look like a freakin' sap who can't pull it together. Chantal- girl I think you were gonna be rejected either way- you just didn't have a "connection", but hey at least you "looked pretty for him". haha- who says that? And Rockette girl (Keltie? Kelsy?)- don't self deprecate in your exit interview. Have you learned nothing from previous seasons? That makes you look so lame. And yeah, I agree, you are meant to be alone- You're super hot with a super hot career and you have exhausted ALL dating venues and have met ALL the men- yup that says old spinster to me. It's like your hair- don't ever give up on it.

Jackie- I like her a little more each time. She's interesting. What kind of art does she do? I don't think it's weird that she's only had 2 serious relationships. She's probably like 24. That definitely doesn't make her Brad Wommack.

Emily- what a cutie pie. Now tell your damn story.

Madison- OMG was the blood not totally appropriate for this vampire! She's freakin nuts. I feel like any minute a pole is gonna pop up on screen and the hooch is gonna freak on it. P.S. vamps are so 2008.

Marissa- She could be an under the radar kind of girl who does well in the end. Or it could be that I liked her headband. Unsure at this time.

Lindsey- Need you to grow a personality. Stat.

Brad- Dude I'm choke if you just hug at every awkward moment. Grow a pair.

Ok one last thought- I really hate the "acting" dates. They are so uncomfortable and terribly weird. That's not how I would ever get to know anyone. And for 'ril- the "roles". Butch girl with a cast?? I'm not following. Looks like we have to watch this mess again next week. Yikes.

Bachelor Recap- Brad oh who gives a f&c$?

Well I have to admit I was more than skeptical at the very idea of bringing back Brad. I was, like most women, pissed that he left two women at the "podium" as he calls it. A whole season of waste- couldn't he date for a month, hit the cover of a few gossip mags and break up with her like the rest of these bastards do. I was also irritated at his slow speech- a little overplayed country boy if you ask me. On the other hand, I've had more than a few good times at one of the bars he owns on 6th street and he isn't terrible to look at. I also figured the producers have a contract out on his testicles if he doesn't propose at the end of this season.

I have to say I was more than entertained at tonight's episode. I missed the first 20 minutes, but thanks to Traci I'm pretty much filled in. I think I'll break this down with bullet points.
* Brad- Ok enough with the humble douchebag act. We get it, you have daddy issues. You've changed. Therapy worked. You want to be happy. Riiiight. I was more than irritated with his "it's ok to hate me, just let me explain" attitude follow by 5 minutes of precious airtime complaining he was so "beat up" by the ladies. I think I see the writing on the wall- it's called "damage control" and it comes from an expensive publicist who is telling you how to be likable. My suggestion- fire your publicist. Get real. Own up to it- you didnt love the chicks. You want a re-do to see if you can trade up a bit. Go for it bro. We'll see if you man up this season.
* Chantal O- (Ok i'm a little rough on the names tonight so forgive if im a bit off- there were 30 of them)- Loved that she slapped him. Somehow, I think that played itself out ok. Normally I'm cringing when they meet for the first time and try to stand out from one another. Something about how hard she slapped made her likable.
* Madison- really? So Brad, you really want to be married and have a family so you select the chick with fangs? hmmm... this is what I call a producer pick. Brad picks the first 12 or so and they throw in a few for candy.
* Michelle- Traci you hit it on the head- Why are all the Michelle's the crazy ones? This one looks like she will produce some interesting episodes. What is her "secret" she has to tell Brad before he proposes? I'm super curious but I'm sure it's something like, "I've had 4 boob jobs".
* Emily- Sweet as pudding. Agree with Traci on this one as well- so want to hate her for her perfect appearance but she's so damn darling I want to be her BFF. (Dont worry traci I wouldnt cheat on you that easy). I'm thinking she may be the commitment phobe one.
* Sarah P- This girl wasn't on camera too much but I sure did like her. She's spunky and totally reminds me of Ashley Frankston. Just fun fun fun and sassy. We'll see if she holds up to her look a like!
*Meghan- Well interesting fact here- she went to HS with my bestie, Ali. Thought her pink shoes were ugly as sin but a clever way to stand out. Not sure why she took them off once she was in the house. Would have liked her to be a bit more confident with them. Ali- what's the dirt on her?
* Jackie- well this one looks like a loose cannon to me. Loved her yellow dress though- super cute on her skin tone. Lord knows, my pale ass could never pull it off.
* That little chick from Kansas- don't know your name sweetheart but sure did love your ruby slippers- clever clever. It's the year of the shoe I suppose. I completely agree with Traci here- it was perfect for standing out till she ruined it by saying "there's no place like home and I can't wait to take you home to meet my family". Wow- dude you just introduced yourself. The Kansas was enough connection for the shoes. I just want to edit these girls sometimes.
* Brit- wonder if she had Brad walk her back out to the car- haha.

Well that's all I can remember for now. It was a good opening. I'm anxious for next weeks episode. What are your thoughts?